When your sliding into Third

I have two jobs. One job I have been at for far too long. Sadly after all the time I have spent here I still choke when asked by people what I do for a living. The second job has recently given me a phrase that I think of while at my first job. I’m not really sure if you would call it a phrase more of one of the job duties. At my second job there is a glorious job called Brand Management. Sounds nice enough right. Well don’t be confused it’s disgusting. This phrase is usually used to describe Clean Up. Most recently I have heard Brand Management used when asking that the public bathrooms be cleaned. This is usually because some kind individual has gone into the bathroom and clogged a toilet and or shit all over the place. In my short time at my new second job I have not been called to do any brand managing. If I did I would certainly have to tell whoever is in charge to kindly go fuck themselves because I WILL not clean up another human’s feces. I say this for a few reasons. First and foremost it is disgusting, I gag when walking into most public restrooms anyway. I hate cleaning my own toilet that I use at home, the idea of cleaning one used by the disgusting people that destroy the public ones has me gagging as I think about it. Secondly I do not get paid enough to clean up anyone’s mess. I have received two paychecks from this newest job and I cannot even imagine what life would be like if I had to rely solely on these checks, I certainly will not be wiping down any toilets for this check. I’ll take the write up or the firing I say now I will not do it.

At my second job I work a desk. But lately I keep getting called in to do brand management on work flow. There is literally so much work to do that there is SHIT everywhere. Sadly I rely on this job. I have to do whatever they tell me to do. Work extra hours, shorten lunches, minimize socializing at desk, and dedicate large blocks of time into doing other people jobs in addition to doing my job. BRAND MANAGEMENT. It’s a shit job but at least I can steal postage, paper clips, and semi decent pens at the end of the day.

Ah, now I don't hardly know her

I am not a face book person. I say this with the same arrogance of the people whom you get stuck talking to at parties that go on and on about not watching TV. They obviously are not watching my reaction either because if they were they would see that my eyes have rolled in circles and I have started looking for my exit. I’m sure people do the same thing when I say I’m not part of the social network. It’s no because I think I’m too cool for it, because anyone that knows me has figured out that I am the biggest nerd out there. It’s more that I’m an avoider for the most part. I like running into people out of the blue. I like that first few minutes when you bump into each other and both people are scrambling trying to remember the last thing that you both had in common. It is almost always great because the person always says something like “what’s new” This comes from a person that I haven’t seen in 5 + years. Usually I just respond “a lot” go silent and wait for “so have you talked to so and so who we both used to be friends with” Which most likely I have not. So I usually respond, “No have you” Then almost always they HAVE!! It shocks me almost every time. The reason this shocks me is because if you have been talking with this person wouldn’t they have mentioned that they talked to me. So my new approach when I see someone from my past will be to ask him or her how his or her day is. What did you do last weekend, any big plans for the weekend? Or I’ll stick to what I do now and try and turn invisible and hope that Blast From The Past does not notice me, then act totally surprised when they say my name.

I’m temporarily back on my bike please don’t run me over angry drivers. We all just want to get home eat some pizza and watch some crappy TV before falling asleep.

you go way to fast, don't watch out you gonna crash

This is a plea to ALL DRIVERS out there. Please SLOW DOWN!!! In the passed few weeks I have witnessed super crazy fast driving in parking lots. I don’t understand why you have to floor it to get to and from your parking spots. I have seen faster driving in parking lots and alleys than I have seen on some of our major expressways. Save the INSANE driving for the streets dude. I’m trying to work out here and every fifteen seconds I’m jumping for cover as you go up on two wheels as you turn into the isle that you want to park. I understand that you want to get the spot but you had no clue it was even there before you displayed what can only be considered stunt driving to get the spot next to the spot across from the handicap parking spot.

Your scaring me people. Oh and relax with the horn blaring. I can hear you it’s just I can get fired if I flick you off and I need the minimum wage they are paying me for this gig to supplement my other income. This little passive aggressive move of not turning around is my equivalent of taking a dump in your car as you are shopping.

Hugs and kisses.

You guys are the best friend I could ever have, ANd it's not the alcohol talking

Ninety percent of the time I do not say the things that are going on inside of my head. There are multiple levels of censors and reedits before I actually say the thought that has crossed my mind. I often try to put other peoples feelings into consideration. There are people that I hang out with that have no clue the things that they do that drive me crazy. But there is a ten percent of the time where things come out totally uncensored. This is usually when I am drinking. The problem is it is not only uncensored but usually intensified. So that most of what I am saying is an exaggeration of the initial thought. I am also kind of aggressive when saying these uncensored things. I must also state that I have never been a good drinker. I fall into the category of THAT guy. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that puked in your parents vase at the party you threw when they were out of town, the one who told you exactly what he thought of your guitar playing when you were about to seal the deal with your amazing acoustic rendition of that Taylor Swift song with the genders changed so it makes you sound so sweet. The friend that you almost always find yourself apologizing for because he got drunk and decided to tell everyone exactly what HE thinks (at your brothers wedding)

This year I am going to make more of an effort to say the things that are on my mind. The goal will be to say them without being intoxicated off the fourth fancy pants beer that I took from your fridge as I neglect to drink my PBR that just doesn’t seem to be getting cold yet.

So let the NEW Year begin. Let’s see if I can’t say the same moronic statements without the alcohol cushion