you're telling me it's in the trees, in the trees it's not, it's inside me

I am a weird little fat man. I noticed this over my vacation part two. I mean we all know that I am kind of a portly fella but the weird adjective really is starting to shine a little more. I went to that baseball game on Thursday and sat in my seat freezing and generally wishing I were at home. Which is lame because it was really only like forty-five maybe fifty degrees not all cold, but the rain had chilled me and started me off to a cruddy mood.

 I didn’t even have one beer because I was cold and annoyed by the whole set up. See I went to take in the game with my family from Rockford, which I have absolutely nothing in common with if I am not drinking. The thing is my brother is goofy about the Rockford people specifically my one cousin that has like four or five kids. They are like best buds and spent a fair amount of time off somewhere drinking and I’m guessing sneaking off to the place that you can smoke in or around Wrigley that still allows you to get back to your seat. I left before the game was over, maybe I’m jealous that my cousin and brother are so close but I just find myself having a hard time associating with them. Maybe it’s a case of my snobbery rearing its ugly head again. Do I dare to say maybe I am better than them, no I don’t dare that would be a total dick move.

I went out to Wisconsin and spent Saturday night in a cabin with a small group of friends that I feel like I’m trying to hold onto friendships with and that didn’t really go much better. I drank a bit too much early and had to take a cat nap and ended up sleeping for five hours. So when I woke up and was ready to hang out again most people were winding down. A friend of one of the couples I was with is dating this guy I went to high school with, he looked and acted the same way he did back in high school. He was surprised to see that I had for the most part cleaned up my act for the most part and had not grown up to be a complete waste of flesh. The cool part is we didn’t really even try to pretend that we had much to talk about and our exchanges were minimal. On Sunday I went rafting on the Peshtigo and it was an awesome experience, I just floated down the river and enjoyed the mild rapids. This was my second rafting experience and I would totally love to do it again on another river, maybe even something a little more challenging.

No more vacations for a while, so there is nothing to look forward to, except maybe a call to come in for an interview for that job I’m trying to get with Cook County. Something to let me know that I am moving along in the process, why do I keep going for these lottery jobs? Oh well, the warm winds of summer are here which brings extra happiness to this little fat boy. Hopefully I find a lot of fun over the summer since me and the misses will be moving to the Southside September 1^st.

Gee hope y’all missed me I’m back to whine in your eyes about how hard my simple life is.

this is where Cameron goes berserk

I’m feeling a little off today. In fact I have been feeling a little off since I gave blood yesterday. I’m sure it’s because I tried to be a tough guy and get a workout in at lunch, but in all reality that was the weakest attempt at a workout I have ever been part of. I literally threw in the towel and had to curl up in a ball to get my composure. I thought maybe I was just hungry. I was supposed to go to one of the free workouts for my fitness challenge last night but the bike ride home wiped me out. I honestly could have fallen asleep on the couch after the shower but instead I watched that movie about the 70’s show guy that sleeps with the little girl from The Professional without the strings. Overall the movie was ok.

See I grew up in the golden time of romantic comedies. John Hughes was king of movie making ability and made movies that spoke to nerds like me. He also laid the foundations for many of my romantic notions. I’m not sure how he was able to pull it off as great as he did but due the fact that I devoured his films for all those years every once in a while I get suckered into watching the rom-coms of today and shake my head at how these squares just can’t seem to get it right. Granted in John Hughes movies all of the action took place in high school and those years right after high school, maybe I’m just not interested in watching the crap that is put out now.

(Two hours later)

Originally today would have been the only day this week I was going to work. Turns out that it was a good idea to come in both days. I have been on the phones arguing all day. All I want to do is go home lay on the couch and watch bad TV. Maybe a few John Hughes movies or other movies that came out in the 80’s that truly shaped me into the nerdy man boy I have grown up to be.

Some great 80’s movies.

1. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off- Who that has grown up in Chicago does not love this movie
2. Better off Dead-JC when he was super freaking awesome-I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS
3. Goonies-Kids save the town come on AWESOME!
4. Adventures in Babysitting-A young Vincent D’Onofrio (bet you thought I would go with E.S.
5. Die Hard- The first in a great series.

 Ok I need to stop you don’t come here for lists; you come to listen to me whine, complain, and generally babble about inane topics usually presented in the late afternoon.

I’m off till next Tuesday. Tomorrow I’m going to take in a game at Wrigley, visit Sears Tower, The Art Institute of Chicago, and The Mercantile Exchange, and grab some lunch at Chez Quis, and maybe see if there is a parade going on so I can lip sing on a float.

Next week it’s back to the grind, Enjoy the LONG weekend.

Santo Libre Extra SANTO !!

Refreshed, renewed, ready to go back on vacation already. The trip to the Dominican Republic was a great as can be. I spent a lot of time swimming around in resort pools, The Atlantic Ocean, and the Caribbean Sea. I went out deep sea fishing one day and watched as two of the other fisher people reeled in a six foot forty five pound Marlin. I also watched as Al from Cincinnati reeled in a Barracuda as long as my arm. I didn’t get a chance to reel anything in but I totally enjoyed my six hours of sitting on the boat drinking foreign beer and becoming friends with my fellow fisherman for the brief time we were out here. I visited a Cigar factory on one of the days and was blown away at the well-oiled machine that they had in place. I also was quite surprised by exactly how GREAT a extra cold Coca Cola can taste after smoking a freshly rolled cigar that was probably the size of my index finger and middle finger and twice as long. I don’t often smoke cigars and generally think people that do are pompous A-holes but hey we all know I’m a Pompous A-hole, so it is to be expected.

My favorite part of the trip was just being out in the sun with my wife and B.I.L. and S.I.L. Hanging with another couple on vacation showed me just how easy I have it; it made me realize that although it doesn’t always seem like it we are pretty decent communicators my wifey and I. We are also very easy going as far as what our vacation needs are. The food was ok; I ate pasta a lot, to the point where it became something that people knew exactly what I was going to eat. You see at resorts they provide so many kinds of food that have mass appeal. It’s almost like going to a weird version of Old Country Buffet. If you are in Mexico at a resort there is very little chance that you will find Mexican food, if you are in the Dominican Republic same deal. I did challenge myself a little bit though. I tried a little seafood. Nothing too crazy but I may have finally turned the corner with my anti-sea food rants. I’m still experimenting and taking child sized bites but I’m hoping to become a big kid and start eating seafood regularly. I hear it’s supposed to be healthy for you.

I also packed on a solid 8 pounds. The scale informed me that I am now back up to 195.6, before I left I was 187.6. I’m sure a lot of I is water, booze, and whatever else weight. But I’m back to being active. The bike ride in today was kind of a challenge. The mid day workout today will have me huffing and puffing,

In great news I am only here today and tomorrow. Thursday I’m at the Cubs game then Saturday and Sunday I will be in Pound Wisconsin at some sort of cabin outing, which should be interesting.

Then I’ll get back to the whining and ramblings y’all have come to expect from this silly fool.

feeling like a feak on a leash

Focus. I have no focus. I’m already in chill out mode. I worked my mid sized ass off yesterday trying to get three weeks worth of my job done so that when I come back life here will not be too hellish. I have not been able to drink coffee this morning so I am starting to feel the tiredness seep in. I am going to do my initial weigh in for my 6 week fitness challenge and one of the things the guy said was to try and not drink coffee before meeting him at 11:30. I have a feeling my workday is going to go fast. I am also meeting my B.I.L. around noon. He picked up those shoes for me that I was not able to find anywhere. So I am totally happy about that.

One thing I am not happy about is dog owners that walk around with he pooch off the leash. Of course I do not own a dog so I know way more about dog ownership than people that do own dog. It drives me nuts when I see someone walking his or her dog with no leash on. What are you going to do when your dog runs in the street and gets plowed by a car that has just sped out of an alley? I have heard there are dog parks and beaches where you can take Spike and let him run crazy with all the other pups. But when your walking down Irving Park road please leash your dog I do not want any harm to come to your super awesome. Oh and when your horse dog runs toward me barking and jumping like a maniac I will not be comforted by you telling me not to worry he’s friendly. The slobber and foam coming out of his mouth tells me he may not want to be friends with me.
Yes I’m jealous and want to be a dog owner. You think your better than me with the bag full of poo that your walking around with. Unless your one of those non poo picker uppers. If that is the case well then you are just a freaking jerk anyway

Crap team meeting. Got to go kids. This is going to thumbtack through the balls Annoying

I hate these meeting always a waste of time

This ol' highway's getting longer

No one ever told me that as I got older I would start to stink all the time. I mean yeah they told me right around the time of puberty that I would need to start using deodorant and just a touch of cologne would make me smell ok. I shower on a regular basis sometimes two or three a day depending on the temperature. I ride my bike to work at around 6:15 am everyday, so far I have been lucky and it hasn’t been too hot so with a little toweling off I have been able to coast through to my mid day workout. No matter what I do down there in the gym I have to shower, because I sweat a lot. Then I ride home and by the time I get home I am soaked in sweat, regardless of how fast or slow I pedal. The thing is every once in a while I can’t help but think I still smell just a little. I take the steps to try and smell all right but sometimes I have the slight smell. Maybe it’s the food I eat. I’m scared what will happen, as I get older.

Secondly as the hair on the top of my head seem to get thinner the hair that is growing out of my ears and nose seems to get thicker and more aggressive. I have been trimming it to the best of my ability but the hair in my ears seems like it is growing at a cartoon rate. Why did no one tell me this was going to happen, they all told me about shaving and all that but suddenly I have insane hair growing out of both ears. It’s pretty disgusting to tell you the truth. You ladies don’t know how easy you have it. At least you can easily get to all the parts you have to maintain. Magazines and movies have created these standards that are just impossible for a man to live up to.

My joints also hurt all the freaking time. It is more of a surprise if my kneecaps do not feel like someone has come along and cracked them with a baseball bat.

Also I keep on second guessing if I have done things, like say I’m halfway to work I panic and think did I put the milk away, did I lock the door, did I pack pants for work. I also can no longer hear anything. If I do go out and we are sitting in a place where loud music is playing I guarantee you that I will not hear sixty percent of what you have told me. I’ll try to squint my eyes and turn my head toward you but a lot of the conversation will be lost, the other half will be filtered through all of the hair.

At least it's almost dinner time then time for bed right after Wheel of Fortune

Vacation all i ever wanted.

I am THAT guy in the office right now. All I can think about is my vacation and how for like two weeks my mind will not even register this place. I am giddy with excitement to be completely honest. Only four days left of slaving away before I go to the DR. Being the procrastinator that I am there will be a few last minute things to do, like maybe find these water shoes that my B.I.L. had that are super cool (I know cool water shoes whateves) but yes they look cool and now I’m in a last minute rush to try and find them. So far I’m striking out, I’m afraid to buy them on-line in case they don’t fit plus what if they are not delivered on time. SPAZZ!! I have never lead anyone to believe that I was a cool kid.

So I’m getting ready to go all-inclusive which means I will drink and eat excessively for a week. When I come back it’s back on track time. For real this time, I joined a fitness challenge and will be weighing in before I leave. Which thinking about it is kind of moronic because I guarantee I will pack on some crazy poundage while away? This is my version of a junkie’s last binge.

After this I’ll be good and y’all will be forced to listen to me whine about how all I want is Fried chicken and pizza and ice cream.

In non-selfish news my baby sister is expecting her second child this December. The crew is definitely growing. I saw them all this Saturday and it was a fun filled day. My wife and I joined my brother and his family down and kite fest over my Montrose Harbor for Kite Fest. If you have not flown a kite in a while it is oddly fun. The weather was perfect and I had a kite up there for a good amount of time. I’m sure I had more fun than my nephew. Especially since I taught him how to say, “I’m done with this” He was walking up to my brother saying, “I’m done with kite fest” it totally cracked me up. After kite fest we all went to my parent’s house for a pizza party. My nephew was sitting across the table from me and he is a spitting image of my brother when he was that age. Craziness.

I got to go and try to knock out some work. Hope y’all had a great weekend. Hopefully I find something good to ramble about this week

I've got a little lisp, and I've been working on my limp wrist

A while back my wife and I were having a discussion about our imaginary children that we don’t have. For the record we are not currently trying or not trying or whatever it is that people say when they magically find out the wife is pregnant. But anyway while discussing our imaginary children she asked me “what would you do if we had a son and he turned out to be gay” My honest answer to this is I do not care, I mean I would be happy for whatever sexuality they ended up getting excited about. With all the things that people have to deal with I find it insane that gay or straight is still an issue. I would hope that when/if I am lucky enough to have an offspring they are first and foremost born healthy. Then I hope they are mentally stable. Hopefully they are better at school than I am and get a crap load of education and can get great jobs. I hope I do a good enough job raising them that they don’t become alcoholics, junkies, strippers; porn stars or whatever else there is to become of people that are not raised well. She agreed with me and it has never been brought up again (full disclosure this conversation may have happened like a year ago)

The thing that made me think of this is I can’t believe there is still an issue with same sex marriages. How long will it take for people to realize that if two people feel they love each other enough to sign papers that say of I get sick of this person I will go through a whole nightmarish court process to separate. It truly has me baffled. I feel lucky that I have grown up in a city and time where seeing two people of the same sex walking down the street holding hands, playing grab ass, and making out is not a strange sight. I’m glad that I know people who think nothing of it. I know my thoughts are nothing new but it surprises me that this is such an issue. I’m sure our future generations will look back at us and snicker at how small minded and ignorant people were, I think that to myself now.

There are ten minutes left in my workday. Only one week till I go on vacation. I’ll try to make a better effort next week with this thing. I know this week I was very self-indulgent.

See y’all next week give your moms or whatever your version of a mom is a big wet inappropriate kiss from me.

Tah

Work it out at the gym to fit my underwear

There are a few things to get out of the way today before I get into my daily ramble so that I can ideally stay on track and for once give you something entertaining to read.

1. The underpants I have on today are total creepers and it is making my workday totally annoying. No matter how many times I go and adjust eventually the leg holes are high on my thigh and the seat feels jammed far up the crack. I have no clue how chicks wear thongs because these are boxer briefs and this is totally uncomfortable. Making it hard to focus. These are going in the garbage tonight.
2. This is for the guy that seems to go to the bathroom at the same time as me. If you are pushing that hard to make business happen maybe you should think about adding some fiber to your diet. It sounds like your giving birth over there and it is freaking the hell out of me. Dropping a deuce at work is bad enough without being forced to listen to you grunt and groan and make all of the other noises I suggest a salad and maybe fiber one bars.
3. It goes for the guy at the urinal taking a leak. The big production you are making there is bad. Maybe you need to see about a prostate exam. I’m not sure if those grunts are sweet relief or pain.
4. No I do not spend that much time in the bathroom these are just annoying things.

Working in an office is awful. My office is filled with crazy characters that you would expect to see in TV shows and Movies. There is a constant battle to figure out who keeps trashing the community kitchen. There are notes, e-mails and large loud group discussions about putting dirt dishes in the sink. Everyone claims they do but the sink is LOADED with dirty disgusting dishes, both microwaves look like a gremlin was just nuked to explosion in them. They even bought those cover to put over your food so your chili does splatter all over but apparently no one knows how to use them, because they are clean as the day they were brought here. The refrigerator smells like a science experiment. You really have to want something out of there to open one of the doors, because as soon as you open the door you are smacked in the face with a stench of meals long ago cook and left in there to terrorize people who don’t know any better. Actually anything we all have to share is disgusting. (Shudder) Moving on.

Actually I have a lot to do today but I wanted to write something. I’m going to start adding fiction on here because hopefully that will be just a little more exciting that my rat race monotony.

Random question. Why does everyone have such a big boner over Will Ferrell and Betty White? I mean I know Will used to be funny like in Old School and stuff like that but now he just seems like an unfunny jerk to me. Being loud doesn’t equal funny. Betty White come on, people expect more. She wasn’t even the funniest Golden Girl.

This was supposed to be focused.

Dang tight underpants, going and ruining everything.

that's my mamma

I come from what would be called a broken family. My father and my biological mother divorced when I was like two years old. My dad married my step mom I’m not sure how many years later. My father and my stepmother raised me. When I casually say ma I am referring to my stepmother. I don’t have the same connection with my biological mother; in fact I would go as far to say there is a very tense connection with her. I cringe when I see that my phone is ringing and her nickname comes up. For the record I do not hate my biological mother, I am numb to her. You see anytime I try and let her in and include her she inevitably hurts me, crushes me makes me feel like a five year old kid. This kind of stuff has happened enough over my years that I no longer expect anything from her. BUT I feel incredible sorry for her, there are times when my cold little stone heart softens just a little bit and I feel genuinely sad for/about her. She has missed so much of my life due to the fact that she is just not available. I hope the best for her and I hope that one day she finds what she is looking for. Sadly I don’t think she’ll ever find it. Side note she is a hoarder to a crazy extent. She has multiple storage spaces filled with crap literally all around the state of Illinois. Because of this I am the opposite of a hoarder… a minimalist. If I’m not using it I throw it out.

My stepmother or Ma is the woman who raised me. She picked me up and dropped me off at school. She stayed up with me through all of my sicknesses. You know all of the things that Moms do, she has always done that and beyond. Even if I live two hundred more years I would never be able to show her how much I appreciate everything she has done for me. Awesome lady for someone obsessed with Elvis and Unicorns. Yep Unicorns.

I also now have a mother-in-law who is the nicest kindest most caring version of a mom I have ever met. She is awesome and I will actually be spending part of mother’s day with her.

I will not see my biological mother this weekend. There will be a half hearted call where I will fake my way through listening to how horrible her life is and how she hasn’t seen me since last September. Uggh. Am I a bad son?

Why so serious right?

Oh everything worked out with the bicycle they replaced the free wheel and as far as I can tell so far it’s riding like a charm. I wonder how long I will be able to keep this bike shiny and new.

Real quick. I have recently been thinking how I will and could never be super successful. I get along too great with my dad. I think he is the most awesome dude in the world. He has been my hero since I was a little shorty cutting 2x4 s in the backyard while building whatever. It seems like all successful people have daddy issues. Oh well good thing I am good at being average. I say this with my head held high.

Call your parents tell them thank you. I know they have a holiday each coming up but calling them ahead of time will rock their world.

Running out of time again

About ten years ago I woke up to find myself in a hospital. It was a situation that I had often joked about. You know I need to be careful or one of these days I’m going to wake up to the sound of beep beep… bleep. It was a bad siuation, I had somehow walked out in front of a car and my right fibula and tibia had suffered a compound fracture, which means that my lower leg snapped in half with bones sticking out of my skin. I don’t remember much. There is a weird moment that I think of a lot of times that I’m not sure if it really happened or if in my drunken shock my brain made it up.

But in my head it plays out like this. I tried to stand on my leg that was literally in pieces trying to stuff the damage back in my leg so I could get out of the street. This guy I’m not sure where he came from (if he even existed) rushed to my side and convinced me to lay down and quit moving because I was going to mess myself up worse. There was calmness about the guy; he kept his shit together even as my seriously injured self tried to resist help. Acting like an idiot, I passed out and woke up in an ambulance, passed out woke up in the ER crying, passed out woke up with a catheter inserted and a leg full of pins. I immediately started crying till I fell asleep again, at some point they were able to start administering morphine.

It is was one of the dumbest points of my life I was in the hospital for a little over a week. My very closest friends came to see me. By that I mean none of the people I had been hanging out with at the time. My true friends, the clowns from my high school days. One friend came every single day, sometimes twice a day. He would sit and talk with me through my medical drugged up haze. Sadly I don’t talk to him anymore, but I always remember him coming and chatting me up as I sat in that room feeling sorry for myself.

Of course my little brother came everyday to check in and see that everything was all right. Another friend came and said one of the most profound things to me, that at the time made me want to leap out of the bed and kick his ass. He said “you did this to yourself” At the time I was blaming everyone else for the way the situation turned out. As I spent the next year and a half slowly healing, I chewed that phrase around in my mouth like a rotten piece of gum. Slowly I was less angry with the guy, he was right I had done this to myself. As the years have gone by this phrase has become my chant in times when things are not he greatest. I think about how all of my choices have helped me arrive where I am at now. When I started running and I started making changes to my life style I would think “you are doing this to yourself” When I started saying that I would not be at the next drinking event because I had to run in the morning I thought about how I was at it again.

I have had some pretty bad slip ups with drinking since this event. The phrase is never too far from my mind. I understand that if I drink too much that bad things can happen. Most of the time bad things do happen when I go that one step beyond. But I’m working on it.

This was not supposed to be some kind of AA post. It was suppose to be about how I know my tight group of friends that I don’t see a hell of a lot but I know would be there if I called any of the four of them out of no where, how my life can be defined by which guy named matt I was hanging out with at which age, and how much life has changed in ten years.

Separately I have to return that stupid bike I bought, there are already all sorts of issues with it and I am extremely mad about it. But not mad enough to write about it here. YET

You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel. So long, Dott.

I fell for it kids. The food truck of the day was a macaroni and cheese truck. So I am now imposing a new rule to my food purchases. No ordering something that I can make at home for $9.00 off a truck. This goes with the rule of not paying over $5.00 for a plain grilled cheese sandwich. I feel foolish having paid $9.00 for Mac and Cheese. Granted there was bacon, blue cheese and mushrooms in there but in all reality I can make that at home. Plus I was supposed to get back on track this week after partying it up all weekend. So, yeah I’m going to ignore the food trucks and eat the food I have from home for the rest of the week.

We finally bought our bicycles yesterday, brand new bicycles. It’s all very exciting and I thought they would never be bought. I dragged the Mrs. around town a little bit but we finally did it. I even bought new helmets and locks. I am a helmet nerd because I always crash. In fact like two summers ago I as riding down North Avenue near Halstead when I flipped over my handlebars and skid like 3 feet on my helmet and tore the shit out of my springtime coat I was wearing. If I had not been wearing the helmet that day I swear to you I would be walking and talking funny today and my face and head would have been pretty disfigured. I also crash a lot so a helmet is a great idea. I’m glad I was convinced/pushed into purchasing the thing. I will not ride a bicycle without one on purpose now. So yeah it will be exciting to start riding the new bike around town, especially since I totally popped my back tire on the old bike Saturday morning narrowly avoiding a pot holed induced harmful crash that would have seriously changed my whole Saturday had I actually wiped out.

Which leads me to the streets of Chicago. These streets are jacked up bad. I understand we had a snowstorm and the plows dig holes, and the expanding and contracting leads to holes but the streets are not safe to ride right now. How is it that all the damage is in the bike lanes? It leads to some creative riding for sure and a whole lot of honking from angry drivers behind me, side by side with me, or right on my back tire. What does the person driving the car think is going to happen when I get scared and fall off my bike? Well I’ll most likely fall in front of a car and get splattered. I guess I am not very happy about this. I understand there are cyclists out there that ride like a-holes but please be gentle on me. Don’t let the 1 or 2 percent of wannabe bike messenger hipster dufus freaks lead you to believe it is ok to harass the commuter cyclist. Pretend that the person on the bike that you are mad at is someone you like a relative, a co-worker, your secret crush, your not so secret crush, your husband, your wife, and your girlfriend, Y’know whoever you need it to be. Also and I know I don’t need to say this, but DO NOT JOKE ABOUT DOORING a bicyclist. It’s not funny and it is a serious problem. Plus I’m scared shitless someone is going to do it to me. Plus if my wife starts riding to work I will be even more scared of all the jerks out there. My stress level is high enough don’t put my beautiful wife in danger.

(stepping off soap box)

So anything interesting happen this weekend? I got some sun while waiting in line to check out a local brewery. Didn’t make it in but my skin still feels warm. I didn't mamake it into the tour due to my bicycle mishap which lead to me getting in line late  Well end of page is near. Be good out there; be nice to the two wheelers. It could be me.