yesterday i felt so old it made me want to cry

If what they say is true and you are only as old as you feel then I am truly fucked. Most times they are right so I must actually be like eighty-four years old. For the passed two days there is something going on in my stomach that has been causing me great discomfort and also has made my temper flair at weird times. The most annoying part about this stomach deal is it is not like it’s a good old fashioned cramp or shooting pain it’s like a bloat but not. I have convinced myself that it is some form of gas and am quite sure it will pass at the most inconvenient of times, like when I’m in the elevator and it stops on every floor as I am trying to leave for home. I am also constantly sleepy, it’s like I can’t catch up, and I went to sleep right after dinner last night. I’m hoping this will pass and I can get back to my normal annoyingly happy self because as of right now I am annoying the hell out of myself.

While I’m going on about how I feel old I realize I AM OLD. I am almost thirty-six years old; this is the age when people start saying well he’s almost forty and FORTY is old. Forty is the age that you are suppose to have your shit together by or you become the guy that people talk about when they get together at their back yard BBQs. With this in mind I have about four years to get my shit together, but obviously the sooner the better.

Oh and I cannot stand people under the age of thirty. I work in a building that employs what I can only imagine is people right out of college. The company is wildly successful but the thousands of annoying whippersnappers that work for them make me want to go crazy. They destroy the gym locker room leaving towels all over the place, like their mom is going to come in and clean up after them. They also stand around in groups and go on and on about stupid shit that is only broken up by high fives and other bro speak. I am not even sure what the packs of girls are speaking because it only sounds like pop, clicks, and screeches broken up with OMGs and eye rolls. Oh and if they are all out walking in a herd it is one of the worst things that can happen in the world. They are like a flock of sheep or something moving at a snails pace that makes you want to cattle prod then to get their Asses moving and out of your way. An elevator trip is made worse because now it stops at every floor and these Mongoloid have to yell out (fill in last name here) wassup!! Then compare which deal they are working on or something. There is one dude in particular that is one of my archenemies right now he rides his bike in arrives at the same time as me but is ALWAYS in my way. He’s a longhaired douche and I want to punch him in the stomach and cut his hair off and then maybe pee my stinking old man urine all over him. 

I also don’t understand the dressing habits of these morons. I hate hate hate the winter hat in summer. I hate the scarf-wearing male, I hate.  Ugh my stomach hurts and I have to cut this short. Did I mention I’m always going to the bathroom and my booty hole is constantly itching like I feel the only relief will come from dragging my asshole across the carpet like one of those bad dogs?

Got to go. Have a good weekend. Hopefully I’ll come back and not be as big of a grumpy crabass dick old man.

Your baby ain't sweet like mine

My shoulders are up around my ears and my back is killing me, I’m in a constant sate of defensiveness and I think almost every single person in the world is crazy or maybe I am the crazy one. This is going to have to be quick because work is crazy ball smacking crazy. For the passed two days I have been working as hard as I can to get my job done a job that is not all that hard. But it involves money and reporting money and money not ready to be reported and general all over annoying stuff. Why couldn’t I just get an easy job as a drug dealer or fry cook? Cheese!

So here’s where it gets annoying for most people out here who are not I. We are heading to the South side earlier than expected, so the summer of fun will be cut shorter by about eleven days. Moving in with he in-laws is no longer months away it is now a mere twenty-four days in my future. I know right ! This is going to be crazy town USA. I have always been the cheap guy but I’m going to attempt to step up my game and sock away as much money as possible so that we can reach out saving goal and start looking for houses stat. (breath in breath out)

Have I mention that I think I have a giant crush on my wife, I mean fir reels a bonified crush. I feel like I am acting goofy around her lately and am trying to think of things to do to impress her. If I could pull off buying a house in the next twenty days I’m pretty sure that it would be so on. You see my wife is hysterical and many different levels and her summer tan is really kicking her cute levels up into the double digits dare i say triple. She even took me on a date last night. She pulled out all the stops and we even went over to the DD and split a variety of their choicest donuts available at 9:00 pm on a Tuesday night. If I wasn’t such a prude and making sure she wasn’t a player she probably would have gotten lucky. The night went so well that I made it two hours into work today before it started sucking ass again. I’m a lucky fool and am grateful that this cool chick hangs out with this square. Yeah I know awesome right. You can stop making that gagging sign now.

I have to get back to work. I’m not happy about it but I guess at least I have a job right. I’m working on not complaining as much about work.

ugh

I need to get out of here.

Has he thoughts within his head?

The weekend went by and quite a fast pace. We did phase two of the move of the next big chunk of our stuff into storage and I have to say the wife was the all star of the second round. She busted her ass all day Friday and well into Friday night packing up all of the random stuff we have gathered over the two glorious years we have lived in the condo. Being the lazy bum I am I slept a lot, partly due to the fact that my allergies have gone haywire and partly because I am a lazy sack of turtle poop. Saturday we went over and grabbed the Caravan from my parents and carted all the stuff to public storage. It went surprisingly well and we finished a head of schedule. We stopped by the in-laws house and I took a two-hour nap. I was awoken to the surprise of a beef sandwich from Pops and a healthy order of fries. My M.I.L. also took my wife over to get her oil changed and let me catch some ZZZ. We found our way back to the north side and spent a little quality time with my parents. I was getting sleepy again so we made our wayback to our condo. Where I slept for like forteen hours straight.

The condo looks strange now with nothing on the walls and some of our furniture missing. To most people they probably would not be able to tell but you can see the place clearing out. As I may have mentioned I want to have the big move done well before my wife’s birthday. I need to figure out a good gift for her, I have really been dropping the ball on the gifts lately. She on the other hand has been hitting homeruns with every gift she gives me. So for the next three weeks I’m really going to try and figure out something cool for her.

In other news I have a new obsession, yesterday we watched a replay of the Iron Man Triathlon, which I have to say is mind boggling amazing to me. We watched every minute of the DVR’d program like most dudes probably watch baseball and football games. Listening to the voiceover tell the stories of the participants had me floored. I totally dug the fact that there is the pro’s division and then the everybody else division. When we were finished watching it I told my wife I think I want to do it, then today as I was swearing at my monitor and wondering why I am where I am today the idea snuck up on me again. I want to compete in the Iron Man Triathlon. There is a half and a whole of course I want to do the whole. I’m not sure how I’m going to go about doing to because it seems very expensive. But the benefits are undeniable, plus it’s a freaking Iron Man. I am dreaming of putting it together, maybe I can even document it and see if I can get some kind of sponsorship to help defer the cost. Who knows maybe I can make a documentary that will rock the socks off of reformed lazy Asses like myself. It could be a sweet story plus it would give me something to do to feel good again. I would need at least a year of training, a camera, ideally sponsorship for equipment and what not, and I would need to find people interested in following my journey. First I need to concentrate on the house buying then maybe this.

I need to talk to my partner in crime. She is the brain of this operation she would be able to help me figure out how to do this up right. Happy Monday kids, do something impossible soon.

I Walk With A Limp Like An Old School Pimp Or A Real Og

This morning I woke up super early. At four a.m. my eyes shot open and I decided I would just get up and start the day. I did my darkness shuffle gathering the things I would need for the day and attempting not to wake up the little lady. Everything went off without a hitch and I was on the road to work just before five. I absolutely LOVE Chicago in the hours between 2:45a.m. And 6:00 a.m. I always have. There is something almost sweet about this city in the time between those hours. The streets are not over crowded but they are also not so empty that it is like a ghost town. There is still that low hum of energy around and you can almost feel the city shaking off the night before and getting ready for the next day. I don’t often find myself out at these hours but when I do I am a happy fat little cyclist. Even the busy streets are clear to just ride and take in the scenery. They say that New York is the city that never sleeps well then Chicago must be the city that survives on Disco Naps

So I rode down to work ditched off my work clothes and lunch and rode over to the place I work out at in Chinatown. I was so proud of myself for being on time for the class and just as I was patting myself on the back my tire caught one of those train tracks that are in the ground over there. I kind of slow motion crashed my bike where there was one of those Matrix type moments where if I had just moved my leg a little better I could have probably walked away without a scratch. Luckily I only nicked my big toe and have a little blood blister on my palm. I was in good enough shape to pick my bike up hop on and ride the two blocks to class. If I had changed into my gym shoes like I had planned when I stopped at work my foot would have been fine. But this mini wipeout reminded me why I wear the helmet that makes me look like a gigantic old nerd. I am a clumsy fool and have on at least two occasions wiped out and smashed my helmet on the ground, and looking at the damage to those helmets I would have been in some pretty serious pain.

This weekend is phase two of the relocation to the south side. The beautiful wife and I are going to have a packing party tonight and ideally get as much stuff into storage as possible so that next month we just move the really big stuff. Ideally I’ll have all of the annoying move stuff done so that I can wow my wife with a decent birthday gift. She has been doing great with gift giving and in the last year I have really been dropping the ball.

The day is moving along and I need to get some stuff done. Have a great weekend. Be careful out there and wear the correct gear for whatever activity you are doing.

no no no na na no Johnny Oh No

The day has been speeding by so fast. I have to keep it short today but I figured I’d share a little nonsense with you and then get back to trying to knock out all this work. There is this bar on Lincoln that has a Hamm’s Beer Sign hanging outside. This bar was always a mystery to me. For years I would walk by this place while out and about with one of my drinking buddies debating whether it was open or not and if it was in fact every open then we would definitely have to go in there and have a few drinks. This bar stands out in Chicago because I think it may be the only bar in Chicago that has Hamm’s sign hanging in front of it, as you know most Chicago bars that have the beer sign are Old Style signs at least in the neighborhood where I grew up in and around. In fact as a kid I thought all bars were called Old Style –packaged goods, no joke. The name of the Hamm’s bar is actually Johnnie’s Lounge. A few years ago I finally made my way into that bar and it was one of the most awesome times ever. So many nights after I learned of how you actually get into that bar I would try to bring everyone I knew there. I LOVED it there; it was always a good time. There was not one thing I would change about the place. The old guy Johnnie was the only person working the bar. I was impressed with the way he would shuffle back and forth slinging beers and pouring drinks it was quite impressive. Although I grew up in a bar down the street Johnnies quickly became my favorite bar in Chicago. In fact it was in this bar that I first told my wife that I was in love with her and I would do anything to be hired by her company. (That will have to be explained later)

Well Johnnie has been dead for a while now and the bar sits empty. I ride passed it everyday sometimes twice a day. If I’m out for a walk I always stop and look into the windows like someone is going to be in they’re waiting to buzz me into my old favorite bar in Chicago. But it will never happen in fact I fear that someone will by it and make it into a Pub or weirdo place where the waitresses are dressed all slutted up and the beer special is not that special at all. I sure hope that doesn’t happen, I’m guessing they’ll eventually tear it down and build some crazy condo there. It seems to be happening more and more over there.

But lately sometimes I daydream of buying that bar, I would keep it tap free. I dream of selling beers made in and around Chicago with maybe some of the big leaguers in there and of course the classis Old Style, Schlitz and of course Hamm’s. I would work the bar and maybe the wifey. It is a daydream that makes cube Ville tolerable. I’m also guessing it is a dream that almost every man has ever had. I have a concept I just wonder if I would have the funds and business management skills. That would be sweet just a beer and shot kind of place where all people are welcome as long as they ring the buzzer.

Maybe if my other daydream of finding a sack of money ever comes true I cam pull off this scheme.

Well back to the grind, Your pleasant thought of the week can be me working my little bar selling local beverages at a reasonable rate.

I had a dream I was a vigilante's sidekick

Last night was filled with laughs while at the baseball game. We sat six rows up from behind the Cubs dugout and my nephew probably could have walked away with a game ball if he was a little more into the game. Instead he was more interested with looking at the cup of disgusting chewing tobacco and peanut shells and trying to figure out the best most hysterical way to show his uncle that he is a complete maniac, you know but in a totally awesome goofy way not the “oh shit I’m in hell what am I suppose to do with this four year old maniac” kind of way. This was my first outing with the kid and I have to say it was a success. He’s more into the food associated with baseball than he is with the game so I would assign him a vendor to look for then if he waited and didn’t act too crazy I would buy him something from that vendor. Most of the night all he wanted was a cup of Hot Chocolate. I’m not sure if anyone knows this but it had to of been like 80 degrees last night and all this kid wants is hot chocolate, I tried to explain to him that it probably wouldn’t be that good in the heat but if he found someone selling hot chocolate I would get it for him.

For a couple of innings we left our super sweet seats and went all the way up to the upper deck via the stairs. We would run up and down the ramps generally whooping it up acting like fools and having an awesome time. Hanging out with my four year old nephew was like hanging out with your fun drunk friend only a lot cheaper and you don’t have to fear that one of you are going to get arrested. I think I laughed for about four straight hours hanging out with the kid. He talks pretty much non-stop and laughs at pretty much every single thing I said so I’d say it was a very successful night.

We left the game in the seventh inning and started walking back until suddenly he was just too tired to walk. Luckily for me my wife said she would come pick us up because she thought that would be too far for the little guy to walk. Of course right as I was taking my phone out to call and ask if she would mind picking us up I got the text message that she was tired and going to bed. It was already 9:30, which is, pretty much her bedtime on the weekdays. Being the bad ass she is she saved the day and came and scooped us up and started the cross-town drive to drop off my nephew.

I feel kind of bad today because I realize that I always get to do the fun stuff and my wife always gets stuck doing the chores. I get to go to a baseball game and goof off and then when all the fun is done my poor wife has to come pick me up. Kind of a drag, she doesn’t complain but I can see I’m working her nerves lately with my child like behavior.

I owe her big time.

Well as you can see there was no physical ability test today so I’m here, which means my whole process will be delayed. So I’m kind of in a shitty mood today, like a happiness hangover if that makes sense.

But I will leave you with this bit of knowledge that my little friend told me last night as we were leaving Wrigley. So we are standing at Clark and Waveland and my nephew gets real serious and says “Uncle Fish I have something very important to tell you" His face is very serious and I think he’s going to cry or something or like maybe he has to go to the bathroom. I kneel down he puts his hand on my shoulder and says “Uncle Fish fighting crime is very very hard, it’s mostly hard because so many people are crazy out there” That is the direct quote. I see now why people always tell you all those stories about their kids. Some of them are pretty awesome.

Be careful out there crime fighters.

but I wipe my own ass, I wipe my own ass!

I’ve been called up to the big leagues kids; my brother called me today and asked me if I would mind taking his son to a Cubs game tonight. I of course said that I think it would be fine but I would need to work out the details and see if it works for all parties involved. I have to say that I am very nervous and excited about the opportunity to take my nephew to a baseball game. I am nervous because I have never hung out with my nephew without his parents within the near vicinity. I’m definitely going to need some instructions on how to pull this trick off. He’s four years old and it is going to be a night game. To tell you the truth I’m not even sure how interested he is in baseball. I imagined taking him to a baseball game when he was a little older so this is definitely going to be an interesting experience. Hopefully I don’t screw it up too much and he ends up having a great time with his goofy Uncle Fish. Oh did I mention that he calls me Uncle Fish thanks to a nickname assigned to me by my brother. Supposedly the seats are super fantastic and we will be basically right on the field. Hopefully I don’t screw this up and we both have a great time. I wonder if he will be able to master the art of the Wrigley troughs, this is going to be interesting.

Tomorrow I’m going for my 2^nd physical ability test for that job I want to get, after that there are still three phases to see if I get offered the job. There is always the option that I can get disqualified at any time, although I’m fairly certain that I will have no problem with the P.A.T tomorrow. Although it will be hot as all get out so I’ll have to remember to pace myself while running the 1.5 miles.

Oh and Pitchfork was pretty awesome, I’m glad I experienced it. I spent way too much money on the tickets but overall it was a very fun experience. It was a fun adventure with my wifey and we both got a whole lot of sun on Sunday as we sat in our little lawn chairs baking up. My wife now looks like a proper browned out Mexican woman that she is. Muy calinte!

I have to get to work; Stay hydrated out there these next few days. Enjoy the heat now so that when we are all genitals deep in snow in January we can think about the fun we had when it was hot as heck out here.

I just thought of something what the heck am I going to talk to this four-year-old kid about. There’s a lot of down time in a baseball game and I’m sure he won’t be able to hold his booze and will probably start repeating himself over and over again and we all know that’s my job.

I’m going to need a list of instructions.

just can't seem to get it right today

I attempt to be a people pleaser and in the actions of doing this I often disappoint a lot of people. Take today for example there is supposed to be a party for a co-worker/friend of mine after work. I RSVPd yes and have been eagerly anticipating going and having a great time. Then the other day I was reminiscing about how on Mothers day my wife and I sat in the Piggery getting pretty crunked up talking about how cool it would be to go to Pitchfork Music Festival. So time went by and of course I never bought the tickets, then the other day in casual conversation my wife mention Pitchfork and I decided I would get us 3 DAY passes. Umm what about the party I was suppose to go to, the4 one I have been saying hells yeah I’ll be there and high fiving over. Of course now I’m in a spot because I have to tell the people I will not be going to the work party. Which will lead to some ribbing and poking fun at me, but for the most part I think they’ll understand if not the worst thing is I’ll never be invited to another event again. But the idea of people being like “aw man” has me a little bummed.

Then to add to my impulse buy my wife asked me how much I spent getting these last minute tickets, the honest answer just a little over too much. As y’all know we are saving for a house, to do so we are moving in with her parents, so spending the money I did was foolish. The phrase “we will never be able to afford a house” was thrown out. To say the least it crushed me, then today as I was sulk talking to the wife I asked if she wanted me to try and sell the tickets but she said no and it will be fun I just spent more than I should have. I tried to make it better by explaining how I will sock away a lot of money when we live with her P’s. The next line stung as unintentional as it may have been. She brought up the catering debacle from the wedding.

You see when I was supposed to be saving money for our insanely huge catering bill I never did, my inability to save lead to me having to ask my dad for a rather large loan days before our wedding, a balance that we are still paying off to this day. So yeah I’m bummed right now and I hope the weekend is fun. I hope I don’t over spend while exploring new music. Oh did I mention that I only know three of the bands playing and of that I only know like four songs. UGH!

Well I have to go piss a lot of people off I have to deal with annoying work shit and then I have to see if I can keep from being a dark cloud while trying to be out enjoying the weekend.

Did I mention my tire went flat over night? (wahn Waa)

Someday I’ll get it right, I just need to get my impulses under control. See y’all next week only half day in cubville today

my head hurts, my feet stink, and I don't like Jesus

I play in a just for shits and giggles volleyball team every Wednesday night at North Avenue Beach with a bunch of my co-workers. Our team is horrible to say the least butt sometimes it is fun and we end up laughing and talking shit to one another while building the confidence of whatever team we are playing against. We are suppose to start playing at 5:30, so I usually arrive there at like 5:00 and have to wait for my team to show up at 5:35-5:40. So there is like forty minutes that I stand around with no one to talk to and I just take in the whole scene but try not to take in too much of the scene and end up looking like a creep show. As I stood there last night I saw these two people walking around dressed in black on black taking pictures and looking very European. Which made me wonder what people from other places think of my fellow Chicagoans.

See one thing I love about Chicago is we are so freaking diverse yet you can still tell that there are neighborhoods that are dominated my different ethnicities. But if you’re on vacation and you come to Chicago and all you see of are city is the Magnificent Mile and North Avenue Beach you would miss out on so much of what this city is about. In fact if you do not stray too far from the downtown are you’d probably have a hard time finding someone that is even from Chicago originally at least Chicago Proper. You might even have a hard time finding someone from Illinois. I’m sure the same applies when I go on my vacations where I’m not really meeting the true people from the place I visit but I think you are getting my point.

Last night I had a strange mix of horrible dreams that lead to me waking up feeling like hell and a little off. I know it’s boring to read about other people dream so I’ll keep it short as possible. The dream was all mixed up so I don’t really know what fits where, I also know that dreams are short but the mix of what was happening seemed to last all night. SOOO. I was drinking recklessly like old school fall down drunk incoherently slur yelling, staggering around with a sense of being lost but still drinking. In another segment my wife was mad at me like really mad like only the kind of mad that people in legit relationships can get it. She wouldn’t tell me why she was mad and was giving me the look. The one that cuts you into pieces and leaves you feeling horrible and destroyed with no sign of redemption. In another part my wife was leaving and not telling me where she was going and was yelling at me. In another part I was running the streets calling out after her not able to find her, crying so hard I couldn’t see and snots were flying everywhere. In another part I was smoking cigarettes like a mad man and tossing back whiskey like a cowboy or whoever drinks whiskey like that. In the final scenes my wife and I had broken into a school and were swimming in a pool and everything was fine. She was in love with me and the world was right again. I woke up scared and was glad to see my wife sleeping there peaceful as ever.

On the way to work none of the songs on my I-pod hit the right song I needed. I still am operating on a partial song listing. I have check with the wifey and she is not mad at me and as far as I can tell I wasn’t out all night boozing and smoking my lungs out. But I can’t help but feel slightly hung over Weird stuff.

Today is Pot Luck in cubeville. Yippee.

She gave me coffee and tortillas to console my head

Ninety percent of the time when I am out with my wife and we are going to check out, ask a question, or do whatever people never put together that we are with each other. If we are standing at the deli and the person takes her number and she starts ordering our luncheon meats it is a guarantee that the person will turn to me and say what do you need sir, to which I reply I’m with her and they kind of look surprised shrug and move on to the next person. About ninety two percent of the time this happens when we are going to check out anywhere. I am always being offered the little plastic bar to separate our orders. I find this very interesting to be completely honest. I’m hoping it’s because they think what is this hot chick doing with this hairy balding fat freak show not some kind of weird what’s that Mexican chick doing with that Guero. I know we are not living in the twenties so it must be just because we don’t walk around with our hands in each other’s back pocket.

This issue becomes more of an occurrence in the summer when she gets darker. You see in the winter somehow she gets pale-ish and is able to start pulling off being different ethnicities. Another think that happens that I have NEVER ever seen happen is people will stop her and ask her “What are you?” they guess Greek, Italian, almost anything except Mexican. It’s strange and each time she politely smiles and tells them she is Mexican. UNLESS we are traveling into Spanish speaking territory then she claims not to know Spanish and she becomes my very own spy. This is usually pretty fun and she entertains me for hours letting me in on the jokes that are being told all around us. I still need to learn how to speak some conversational Spanish because when we visit her grandma some people have to listen to the same stories twice. Depending on who is telling the story, her grandma or I always have to wait to laugh at the thing that everyone was laughing at two minutes ago. The Spanish I learned in high school limits any meaningful conversation I could ever have.

If we ever happen to have kinds I wonder what they would have to claim. Would they be Caucasian-Other or do they claim the Caucasian/Mexican? This is obviously not something we will have to worry about for a while but lately I have been wondering about what our imaginary little maniacs might be like. Mostly because my siblings have been producing kids at a fairly good clip. They are already on kid # 2 and we are moving into her parent’s house.

I guess thoughts of little mes and little hers is scary enough. That would be a whole lot of crazy and energy bundle into one being.

YIKES!!!

Put her on the guestlist at the show

Holy crap work is very busy right now, so busy that I wasn’t able to spend my twenty to thirty-five minutes hammering out my little nonsensical rambles at all yesterday. There is a lot to cover here today so I will try to stay on point as much as possible. Friday night I went and saw The Flaming Lips at the Aragon Ballroom. The show was freaking amazing to say the least. I’m not even a huge FL fan but after that show I have been converted. I only know like three of their songs but as part of summer of fun I am attempting to say yes to as many offers as possible. The tickets were free so that may have also helped but seriously the band rocked my nut sack right off. They had the crowd going from the moment they stepped out for sound check to the very last moment when they came out and did their biggest hit. Another thing is it gave me the opportunity to yell and sing so hard that my lungs and throat are still raw and it is very annoying when I talk. I tried to explain to my wife how good it feels to yell and how I can very rarely do it (hold for laughter) Like at boot camp when the guy is in my face looking for me to yell how tough and stuff like that it is all I can get is a low roar. But at a show holy shit balls can I scream my head off and just enjoy myself. They did an awesome cover of Dark Side of the Moon that had me flipping out. I am not exaggerating at all, this may have to do with the fact that the people we were with were pounding Red Bulls and Vodkas like pre-teens and sharing each round just kept coming but the show was great and I highly suggest if you ever get a chance to see the Flaming Lips go and check out the show. I have a feeling you will not be let down. After this experience I’m totally going to H.O.B. to see if I can get the NOFX tickets for that show. I can’t even imagine how much fun I will have there.

Saturday we started moving our stuff into our storage spot out in Alsip. We still have a crap load of stuff to move in there and I hope that the 10 x 10 we got will be good enough. The day went off without a hitch for the most part and every once in a while I would catch a whiff of the RB & V coming out of my pores and I wanted to vomit all over the pace. We borrowed my dad’s mini van so I found myself feeling kind of like a kid cruising around my dad’s ride all day. Or was it a peek into my future. WHAAT!!

Sunday we went to Wicker Park and ate at this BBQ place that it seems like everyone has a boner for, but for me it was only ok. The cool thing is there are like three or four other places to try out in that area perhaps in the additional activities in our summer of fun.

I have to get to work and I’ll close this on a sad note. My little bro called me this morning and told me that via face book he heard that his ex wife had died suddenly over the weekend. Not much information yet butt apparently it was possibly an over dose or (dun duh dun) Murder. He didn’t have much information yet but it also stresses why I’m not a big face book person. None of his “friends” have contacted him yet that have actual information. He is happily married with kids now but I still think it’s weird that this is the way he found out about it. Strange.She was 35. Say no to drugs my friends there is a time and a place to put them in the past. Oh and say no to murder not cool.

Back to business.

It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Here’s a tip to all the single ladies all the single ladies and the non-single ladies too. You can get away with being a whole lot of crazy if you just do a few simple things. First and this is a must you must be moderately easy on the eye. If this does not come naturally then you should stock up on confidence. The right amount of confidence in a woman automatically can take her from ugly duckling to beautiful Black Swan. As males we are wired to be easy to please and often a small gesture can go a long way. Also we can be manipulated into doing stupid things if you give little treats along the way but I’m getting off topic here. So say you realized that maybe you have left the crazy valve open for too long and your man or future man is starting to act surly an easy fix is to buy him some beer or his favorite alcohol. If you are lucky and he is a non-drinker then get something related to what he is interested in, then without making a big deal give him the gift. He may freak out and start thinking he missed something but just kind of throw a “hey I know I’ve been acting all crazy all week, month, year so I figured you earned this” a little affection will most likely never be turned down either, if it is well you probably messed up big time. Being the forgiving gender we are though you can pretty much get away with whatever you want with little to no repercussions. Unless you’re out banging all sorts of strange then… well you are just a hoe.

But seriously with very little effort even a girl of Sybil type crazy can land and/or keep a good man. Tickets to a concert for a band you know he likes cool good work. Trip to a brewery that makes his beer or a beer that he may like in the future golden. Y’all see where I’m going with this.

Fellas you have no right to be crazy, all you can do is buckle in and hope that things fall in the right place. If you feel the need to be crazy you go and start playing a sport, find a hobby or bottle it up nice and good and hope it never sneaks out.  

I had more focus in the beginning but I must get back to work. I know I always tell y’all to be good out there but this weekend I ask all the ladies to be nice or nicer to their guys and the potential future guys. We are trying our Asses off to impress you enough to…. Heck just be good to your man. Single ladies think outside of the box maybe take a chance on the weirdo he could be that proverbial diamond in the rough or at least a cubic riconia. Summer is fleeting fast and what woman does like a winter project. Right? 

I’m out! My beautiful kind woman is taking me to the Flaming Lips show tonight at the Aragon Ballroom. I haven’t been there in forever.  

Wait a minute!!

Sure I like your smile And I'd like to talk awhile Butt....

The second time I met my wife I was not operating on all cylinders. It was the day following my brothers wedding. The whole weekend starting on Thursday had been a blur. By the time Sunday rolled around I wasn’t sure that I would be able to stomach a full day of stumbling around the South Side Irish Parade. After some encouragement from my then roommate and a few morning beers I was feeling a little better and I figured what’s the worst that could happen. I arrived on the south side and followed my roommate and another group of people up to this house where the beer was flowing like wine. During this time Irish Car Bombs and shot gunning beers was a common occurrence for me. Soon my hangover was gone and it was replaced with drunken optimism, not even the chill that was in the air was causing me any trouble. I stumble around puffing away on my cigarettes talking with anyone who fell into the trap of being in my eyesight and vocal range.

Then she walked in, and I swear to god she looked even more gorgeous in her little green Puma jacket than she had the last time I saw her all over dressed for the film company bar bash we had originally met at. I almost immediately started following her around like a lost puppy dog. I was not able to play it quite as cool as I had the first night, being that my only “friend” around was my crazy ass roommate. At some point I heard her saying she was cold and offered her my Oversized super awesome Fat Wreck Chords Hoodie that I was wearing. Seriously that ratty ass hoodie had never looked better that when she slipped it on. A little later one of her “friends” made some comment that hurt her feelings enough for her to cry a little, you know one of those alchol cries that usually dry up quickly. She gave me back my coat and I finally talked to her for a bit. Just as our conversation was getting good my roommate demanded that I go with him to get more beer. Being the sucker I was I left for a very long time, eventually we met back up with their group. My roommate and the girl he was with that brought us there were not really talking at this time. My roommate kept trying to get me to leave but I refused, I stayed perched on a corner sipping beers waiting for this girl to come back out.

When she finally came out with the other girl in tow we all headed back to my roommates car to head back to the north side. I was a lot of drunk and was barely able to talk. When we got back to the north side I almost just went to bed and fell asleep, which probably would have been a good idea. Instead I met up with them at another bar, and then followed them to another. There is some crazy story about me eating hot peppers and no reacting at all. Then I just took off. (Part of the tape is missing here)

Then I was by the brown line and this girl who I was so smitten by was leaving. She wasn’t impressed by my drunken antics and felt I had acted like a fool most of the day. She walked up the steps to the train to head back to where she was from. I ran up the stairs (not sure if I paid the fair) and blurted out “This is not how today was suppose to be” But it really came out “Today not spozzabeel” I shook my head looked at her and asked if I had totally blown it. The way I remember it is she said not yet, but maybe you should give me a call so I can see what you are really like and the quote “ because I don’t think you are like this” maybe not a direct quote I had been drinking all day. That was the day I fell for her. Three times. Once when she was beautiful wearing my hoodie, then crying, then smiling and being all hot. Then looking at me and calling me out on my shit. I stumbled home and fell asleep. The next week was full of those marathon phone conversations that only seem to happen in the beginning of a relationship when you have super powers and need no sleep.

I like food, food tastes good ! I like food, food tastes good!

I’m dragging ass in my post-extended weekend holiday celebrations. Friday was kind of a bust since all of my adventures fell through. The Mrs. and me did our usual Friday date night and walked over to my favorite Jewels in Chicago over on Ashland right off of Lincoln. Saturday I ended up spending money like I was some kind of rich man, but I saw this happening even as I keyed in the amount I was taking out “for the weekend” The game was pretty awesome. I ate and drank way too much and totally loved every single minute of it. It might have been a lot more fun if I went with my brother but it could have also been a LOT more expensive. The real exciting thing happened when I finally made it out to the Naperville Rib Fest on Sunday.

A person recruiting to take part in a food eating challenge ala Man Vs. Food approached not two minutes after I walked in my little group. I eagerly agreed to sign up and was told come back in twenty minutes to take part. With butterflies in my stomach I walked around pretending to care what everybody else was talking about. I was afraid to eat anything because the challenge I was going to take part in involved eating three extremely hot wings in 60 seconds and then waiting another 60 seconds until being able to drink the milk provided. As I took the stage in the center of three seats I started trying to get in the zone, my cheering section started immediately and I prepared myself not to let these kids down. The plate was put in front of me and I was ready to take this on this challenge with the prize of a free shirt to anyone who could beat the challenge. I took down the first wing really fast, I realized I was going to have to slow it down or have to deal with sitting for longer than 60 seconds without drinking the milk. I finished with a little time to spare and was surprised that I was not totally dying of the fire. But as I sat there I felt the inferno start to build. I totally won the shirt and the respect of my crowd, after I finished I signed up to be on an episode of Man vs. Food Nation next time they roll through good ole Chicago. They said I should know by the end of July beginning of August. Let’s just say that this little fat boy is anxious hoping that my little video audition that I did is good enough to impress the peeps over at Food Network and maybe even good ole Adam Richman himself. A fat boy can dream right.

The T-shirt is nice and I gorged myself with way too many rib options through the rest of the day. On Monday I got in a good amount of swim time at the in-laws place before heading out to take in the fireworks. I felt bad for the people I was hanging out with because I was rocking the free shirt non-verbally begging people to ask me about it. No one did and my little posse was stuck listen to me say 1000X wouldn’t it be cool if I get called/e-mailed.  Yesterday I chilled at home and left the condo only to price storage facilities to hide my treasurers in while we take up residency over on the south side. Oh and I did my first attempt at BBQing ever, see I’m usually just an observer when it comes to grilling. My first outing as far as I can tell was a success but can you really do anything wrong when grilling chicken? Hopefully I’ll start grilling more and maybe earn myself a man card.

Well I need to get back to work; at least we are almost at the weekend again. Have fun out there kids; play nice, or not nice.

Next week back on track with healthy-ish eating.

Their company is something you won't miss

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