this is not my beautiful house

We met with a mortgage broker last night and apparently we are not as ready to buy a house as we thought. We have also been looking at houses that although technically we could afford it, we would be so poor that we would not be able to do anything. Like nothing at all, most of our funds would go to paying for the house. We were off on our price by a lot. The other kick in the nuts was that we do not have enough money saved for our down payment if we did find a house in our price range. I was crushed to say the least. I tried to keep it together, I thought of all the material things we have been talking about buying lately that we kind of need/want, bicycles for each of us, a computer, and maybe entries to a few races that we skipped last year due to wedding planning.

I know it is ridiculous to get upset about not being able to buy these things, but I had plans for each thing. I have been encouraged to buy MY bike but I REALLY wanted my wife to get a bike too. The one she has now is a freaking tank that makes even the shortest bike ride a gigantic pain on the ass. Hopefully we can still get her a lighter bike, which will hopefully make my summer of free a bit more enjoyable. I’m going to scale back on a lot of things.

So yeah I need to find a way to make more money. Living in the suburbs is officially back on the table. I’m not sure where we will find a single family home in Chicago in our price range that is not a shit box. I’m not even sure how we will get the funds necessary for our down payment. We have less than 4 months to get our money together. Time to get stingy with my money. Guess I should have held onto that retail job for a little longer.

Crap, back to square one.Save your pennies kids

never lose my sense, at least as much I got

Back from a short hiatus, aunt Ina finally decided that she was done sitting in the old folks home trying to remember not to pee on herself and trying to recall who the stout man and woman who visit her are. My ma and dad would stop by and visit her all the time. My ma will tell you that Ina remembered who she was my dad will take a sip of his PBR and say “you live when you live you die when you die” with that glistening in his eye that threatens to let a small tear drop creep down the side of his face. My dad has spouted off this piece of wisdom since I can remember remembering anything. Actually he has taught anyone and me who would listen a few great nuggets but for this case I’ll stick with the “you live when you live, you die when you die”

The last time I saw aunt Ina she happily said hello to my brother and sister asked about our mom and ad were doing, then turned to me and asked how my parents were doing. Apparently she thought I was a friend of my brother and sister. This was my kind of my first view into how the mind of an older person starts to slip, until sometimes they are on and sometimes they can’t remember a damn thing. My dad had to go through it twice. First with his mom, which broke his heart then with his aunt. It was when his mom no longer recognized him that he had to put her in a home. She kept calling the police on him when he would show up in a panic when she would call him frantic saying she needed his help. I know it was hell on him to put her in a home. Oddly two weeks after checking in she checked out. He dealt with it in his way and turned his attention to taking care of his aunt. This weekend he checked out of that nursing home that she has been in for five years. They may finally have a buyer for the house that needs to be completely gutted and built all over. The interested buyer is a friend of my sister’, so I’m sure my dad will still stop by to see if he can help with the repairs. I briefly thought about buying in but I do not have the time, funds or patience to rebuild that house so that it is livable. I am a fancy lad after all.

So yeah, I’m not sad or anything she was old and I’m guessing/hoping that she is finally feeling good after years of deteriorating in a nursing home. Maybe she’s hanging out with her sister smoking More cigarettes and drinking that nasty ass coffee that they always had over at their place in whatever their version of the after life is.

To sum it all up I guess I’m scared shitless of old age and dementia, it seems cruel. Take care kids. Call your older relatives and say hello. They may not know whom you are but at least it will break up the viewing schedule of CBS line up

go ahead and find your buttercup

Well kids we made it through the workweek. Looks like we made it through with a few scrapes and bruises but nothing that will take the adventure out of the weekend. Last night I spent a few hours tasting a few Whiskeys and a few Bourbons. It was awesome and I walked out into the brisk spring night with a belly full of fire and a mouth full of loving words that trickled out silly style to the Mrs. But it is not entirely my fault she kept handing me her samples because she didn’t really like most of them so I was able to taste mine and hers. Good times and I did not annoy her too much so I will put this in the WIN column. I also bought a bottle of Bourbon that I liked, which is my first non mass produced bottle of booze in what will hopefully one day be my home bar.

So I’m in a great mood today I have no complaints except the fact that the company coffee tastes like onions today. I’m not kidding ONIONS!! So my breath is extra enticing.

I’m grabbing a free lunch with my dad and sister today so before I know it I’ll be back on the bicycle riding home. Have a great weekend, talk to strangers and do something fun.

I’m going to see if my bourbon taste as good as it did yesterday and of course the boxing adventure is this Saturday.

Monday I’ll get back to the whining and complaining y’all have come to expect.

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise

The place that I work at is not that bad. If I had to compare it to a bodily injury I would have to say it’s a lot like when you bite that inside part of your cheek and find yourself totally surprised that there is not a hole on the other side and you have a slight taste of blood in your mouth. There is that moment of fear and pain where you are not sure how it’s even possible that you did that to yourself. Then for a few days it kind of hurts and is annoying and you complain to anyone who will listen to you about it. Then you kind of sit there for a few days thinking about it and being surprised that you did that to yourself. But then everything is totally fine and you forget about it and you go on with your everyday life until crunch you bite it again and go through the process all over again. Yeah my job is like that. There are moments where everything totally sucks and all I want to just leave and never come back. But then how would I pay for stuff, how would I go on outrageous vacations, how would I even think about buying a house, so I complain about it for a while then I move on. I tend to forget what got me so worked up in the first place. Then something blows up and I’m super surprised or mad or a weird combination of totally unnecessary emotions then I even out. I have a feeling that this is basically what work is. It comes down to how much shit can you shovel until you get mad or how do you deal with a job that constantly punches you in the balls (or whatever the female version of that is).

For me lately it is working out. Last night I did this workout at this place called Kobra Fitness. Normally I would not put the real name of a place in here but this place was super freaking awesome. There’s a live DJ and the guy that leads the class kicked my ass all over the place while doing the Boot Camp class. I literally had to curl up in a ball for a quick minute to regain my composure. I tried the class for free and I am currently debating possibly attempting to do the boot camp once a week for a while. First I need to try that Boxing thing this weekend. But I tell you what that thing last night was so cool I felt like I had walked into a place where they would be holding some kind of Fight Club action. Everyone was cool and left attitudes at the door. This has been the hardest class I have ever done. Which in my speak translates to I’m going to have to go back at least a few times to see how much I like it. We’ll have to see if it’s in the budget. See that’s what keeps me showing up at work.

Tonight I am attending a whiskey class. For real. I am very excited to see what this is all about. Time to learn that there’s more to life that Powers and good old Jameson. Hee Hee

andy are you tripping on Elvis

I complain a lot I need to chill out with all the whining about my job and stuff like that. For the second time in fewer than four months a friend of mine has heard the phrase “it could be cancer” while visiting a doctor. The first time it was taken care of with a small surgery. This time awaiting an ultrasound of the liver another surgery could be on the books. The friend is not telling anyone. It is taking me a lot not to tell anyone what this person has been going through. But she has been strong. She showed a minute of anger when she broke down and said it’s like my body wants cancer. Hopefully the ultrasound comes back and her liver is healthy. It’s crazy though; she doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink and eats healty-ish and exercises regularly. It’s just all so insanely crazy. She is way stronger than I am. I’m just glad that when her back started hurting for a while she went in to get it checked out. I keep telling her everything will be ok. I wish I were one of those people that always knew the right thing to say. I don’t so I come here and scream at the top of my lungs. Then I compose myself and walk back out into the general public. So yeah, be good out there kids. Don’t try to guess who it is you don’t know her.

decide what to be and go be it

Are you seriously telling me you know nothing about the product you sell? Are you telling me that my livelihood relies on your ability to have people purchase a service that consumes and insane amount of my life working on, yet you know nothing about it? Are you seriously just saying yes we can do that not knowing the amount of time that goes into it? Awe man!! I’ve been here for nine LONG painful years. I almost didn’t make it passed my first two weeks here. Before this I never stayed at a place for longer than three years. But somehow I have been here nine years. The sick thing is I’m still surprised by the people that run this place. I personally have not received a raise in four years. In fact when the economy tanked a while back I watched as nine people were called into a room and group fired. I spent the rest of the day praying that I would not get called in and informed that I too had been let go. Every single day I work here I live in a paralyzing fear that we will lose one or two of our big clients and I will be out of a job. I do not like it to say the least. It scares me shitless. I have been working on my shawshank redemption plan but there is a lot of waiting around. Then there’s no guarantee that that I’ll land that other thing. I’m at a point where all I can do is wait to be called in, then there’s the multi level interview where at any point they can say you do not qualify thanks for applying get lost. If this happens I will be back at square one. Nothing like applying for lottery jobs, the curse of an uneducated non-skill having fancy lad. If I had a time machine and went back to talk to myself would I listen?

At least the day is almost over. Then I hop on the ole bicycle and ride home. My time to decompress a little while splashing around Chicago’s moist streets a moment of pure innocent happiness, until someone tries to run me over. This is the part where I’m realizing life isn’t really that bad. Work sucks when you are doing something that is someone else’s passion or what equals to someone else’s success. If my life sucks I need to quit bitching and do something about it. The question I pose to the world is what would make you happy. If you had to have a job what would you do that would make you truly happy. What is your measure of success?

Me I’d like to work on/in film behind the scenes. I’m not sure what capacity. I’d like to make enough money to buy a home in a neighborhood I truly love. The true measure of my success would be a house with a yard that I could drink a cold PBR on a hot summer evening after having a crap day at work.  Maybe. At least that’s what my measure is today.

Wow. It worked writing it out here cleared my head. Two minutes till the bike ride home.

This place ain’t so bad. I work with some great people. Well mostly good people.

Mer-Man (high pithched cough) Mer-Man

So I avoided seeing the relatives in from Arkansas. I’m Sure BM is heart broken but I think my two brothers went and hung out with them before they started the trek back to Razorback country. On Saturday I went to a party for my sister’s daughter’s first birthday. So the family that I actually like, my dad’ family surrounded me. But it backed up a feeling that I have been battling for a while now. I am kind of the Zoolander of my family. Not because I am really, really, really good looking but more like my collar is not blue enough for most of them. In fact to my face they call me Little Lord Fauntleroy, which is a weird way of calling me a yuppie, which my brother often does anyway. This is mostly because I work in an office, I currently live in a yuppie neighborhood, I’m terrible when it comes to “assisting” in manual labor and the fact that I don’t really drink as much as I used to.

Don’t get me wrong; my family members are extremely awesome. In fact they are very nice people, I’m actually the biggest jerk/snob/asshole in my family. But when the extended family gets together I almost hide out in the corner. If I’m not drinking with everyone then it seems that people think that I think I’m better than them. Which could not be further from the truth. It’s just that when I drink I become an over consumption monster and lately I’m not feeling it. I have some goals I want to reach and one bad trip off the wagon can/will mess up progress. I know my family loves me but I can hear the groaning.

If I’m being honest though I don’t understand why my brother can’t grow the fuck up and realize he has two kids now. There’s no need to go hang out with your cousin who lives an hour away and go on 12-24 hour booze binges. Plus the stopping at a bar at 11:30 am for a few captains on a Wednesday is stupid. I get it drinking during the day occasionally is great but when you do it so frequently you just look like a drunk. When I mention it to you on the phone I’m NOT KIDDING. Go the FUCK home and be a father and a husband. You are a way better person than I am but this booze thing scares me a bit.

Whatever. I know I complain a lot on this blog, but I have not told anyone about it not even the lovely wife. It is my place to come and scream and complain and talk shit about the people I know, my job, and say things I’m too afraid to say to people now that I’m mostly sober. There is one person that knows about this site and he is most likely the only person to read it.  So I guess it is the equivalent of me sitting on a barstool whining to him, but who knows maybe someday I’ll complain about something he does. As you may have figured out I’m kind of a whiney complaining A-hole.

Have a great week with the   start of spring here maybe my mood will improve and I’ll start acting a bit more cheerful. I’ve officially started biking to work again. Oh and in other good news Le Grange is off the house hunt list

Mommy can I go out and kill tonight

Why am I suppose to feel bad because I don’t want to drop everything to hang out with someone or a group of people when they come to town. This weekend some of my biological mothers family are heading to the big city from Arkansas. My biological mother and all of her family are a source of anger for me. My brother loves all of them. He doesn’t understand that I have no interest in seeing people hat I haven’t seen for 15 years. This part of my family is also drenched in scandal, meth/drug/alcholism and general hillbilly ness. The only reason these assholes want to hang out is to get shitfaced drunk and ask “do you remember when you were a kid and …… FUCK!! I’m MADD as hell. Also they are some hotels out in Bensenville, where the hell is that? Plus I DON”T DRIVE!!! My biological mother had the balls to ask what about my wife’s car. This makes me crazy. IT’S NOT MY CAR!! MY WIFE IS NOT A CHAUFFEUR. Neither of my brothers drives either. But they sure want to get together and get hammer headed.

I’m too pissed off. Any time you read biological mother understand that I am pissed. She has let me down my entire life and continues to now. But the little pussy ass kid in me makes me feel sorry for her.

Man I can taste whiskey right now. Dangerous. Must resist urges to get Crunked up, it’s a recipe for disaster.

I have more to say about the drop everything because people come to town but I talked to BM on the phone and now all I want to do is swear. Be good out there kids

Sticking feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken

So I will be attempting a new exercise. Well to clarify I am attending one free class to see if I want to sign up for more classes. Last night I was informed that I could not use my “deal of the day” coupon to do crossfit at that gym in Lincoln Park because technically I already used one. This is after I confirmed that I could use it due to the fact that I bought one for my wife and one for me. She in turn made it a gift to me but the individuals decided that they did not want me in the program any more.

 At least they let me do the class, but afterwards they gave me the news that I was not welcome back without paying for additional classes. So I’m out  $40. Lesson learned get EVERYTHING in writing. I will definitely be throwing dirty looks at the gym every time I ride passed it on my bike. Being the spazz I am it is better to give a place dirty looks while riding by then trying to plead my case. Plus now I never want to step foot in that tiny stink of a dump anyway. Oh and all you people are ASSHOLES. Not very inviting well unless it’s a girl then all bets are off! So yes that’s done.

But this opens a door to trying something I have had an interest in for a while. I will most likely get super obsessed with it after the “free class” It happens all the time. It happened with Rowing (had to stop because it was too expensive) Running Club (only paid to be part of a TEAM for one year) Crossfit (the one by my house was extremely expensive after the on-ramp, but I LOVED it) (wish I could go back) Yoga (fun but kind of pricey and would rather do Pilate’s which is VERY expensive)

So the new exercise is an old. It will be a challenge for me since I’m sure a lot of coordination and concentration is involved. But I eagerly look forward to my FREE class in two Saturdays. Boxing y’all. Yes.

I’ll just end there. If I get a crush on this and I’m sure I will there will be much gushing until I have to quit because it gets too expensive. It always does.

5 dollar concerts were all the rage

Are you F’n kidding me? So Friday night I found out that a band that I really like is coming to town.  Which prompted me to see if my favorite band of all time was up to anything. To my surprise the band that I LOVE is playing two shows in May at a venue here in Chicago. It is already SOLD OUT!! Which makes sense, so I went looking to see if I could buy tickets well, this next sentence has my blood BOILING. People are selling these $27.00 tickets for $239.00 apiece even more than that. I went from so excited to instantly pissed. I missed this band the last time they came around as part of RIOT fest because I was running the marathon. Now I’m missing them because I am so far out of the loop. It looks like I will not be able to see Screeching Weasel when they play at Reggie’s in May. Tonight I’m going to see if the person that told me about the other band I like is going to that show. If they are I’m going to try and get tickets for that show. But the fact that I will not be at the Screeching Weasel show without getting gouged makes me furious. I guess I’ve just gotten lazy. I used to just google the band name when I was bored. I thought I was on a site that was supposed to warn me when they were coming. I get the fact that those that paid attention got tickets but the asking price to go see a show is too much. Don’t get me wrong I’ll check everyday to see if someone is offering tickets at a decent price but I’m thinking I’ll have to enjoy my favorite band through my headphones. FUCK that sucks. But that's life right

Hopefully I’ll get tickets for the other band that also happens to be playing the same month. Hopefully I have not delayed too long on this one. Maybe I’ll get lucky and there will be an additional show added for Screeching Weasel. Maybe I’ll find a ticket somewhere. But man this is the band that changed my life. Screeching Weasel I hope I can scrounge a ticket to your show. Man I’m mad. I can’t even ramble on anymore. I’m just pissed on.

shoulda been on the cover of Punk and Disorderly

I don’t think I have ever been the first person to discover anything that ends up becoming cool. The closest I can even think is maybe way back in the day when I used to watch 120 minutes on the music television and I saw the video for Smells Like Teen Sprit. But if I’m being honest with myself if it was being featured on that TV station it was most likely already not cool. I just remember being so excited to get to school the next day and tell all the people I sat with about this awesome song I heard the night before. Shortly after that you could not turn on the radio without hearing song by them or se someone sporting one of their shirts. But there were those few hours where I felt like I had truly found something magical. It supplemented an early taste for my music taste.

In the early nineties I used to get rides to high school with this guy that lived around the block. On the way to school one day he played this tape. The music that came off this tape intoxicated me. Every lyric that was yelped out of the speakers whined of the pain and agony that I was going through. It was in those early morning rides that I was introduced to what I would come to consider Punk Rock music.

This was my version of punk. Some may call it pop punk or something else. But for me it opened a whole new world to me. Suddenly the music they played on the radio wasn’t cool enough. The music I liked wasn’t even played on the radio. I could go to a rock and roll show almost 3-4 times a week. I cold buy tapes made by all of these bands that I would grow to love. I would become friends with people based on what music they liked. It was so awesome. If you saw someone wearing an Oblivion shirt there would be that sense of community you both were in on a musical secret. I could go into a mosh pit and go crazy. Literally, crazy. I could kick all my appendages in all directions while screaming out he lyrics to Veronica Hates ME!!

All of my cash went to buying CDs. I would lug them around in a backpack and play them all in heavy rotation.

Then I feel like it died out a bit. My friends started liking the heavier metal sounds of thrash but I still wanted my punk music. Then came the kids who made everyone LOVE pop punk. It became more playful. Which was cool but it was kind of the beginning of the end. When the preppy kids started rocking out to green day and blink 182 the secret was no longer there. Suddenly it seemed like it was harder to find shows. Maybe it is a case of if you are not submerged in it you don’t hear about the shows. Now I look to see if the bands I used to love are playing “special shows” I have missed a few. But now I battle with the fear of going and see my idols of back in the day sing songs about love lost, smoking way too many cigarettes, and drinking too much.

Right now I’m into bands that have banjos Mumford and Sons, Avett Brothers to name the ones that I have heard recently. But if I am just hearing them on the radio that must mean that they have been out for years and will most likely start not being good anymore. But I love what I have been hearing from those guys. Perhaps I’ll go out and buy their CD. Do bands even make cassettes anymore?

Be careful out there this St. Patrick’s Day Weekend, to those not married, CONSTANTLY talk to strangers. PLEASE

my private life is an inside joke, no one will explain it to me

This is my busiest time of year for what I do as my full time job. Everyday from 7am till 4-5-6-7 pm usually later depending on the workflow so there can be additional unwanted hours here and there. Last weekend I came in on a Saturday in an attempt to catch up. By today I am already behind really bad. Even after working a full 9-hour day I’m still behind. It makes me crazy. The thing is this stupid job should not be that stressful. I mean when I leave for the day I don’t have to think about it. But I do find myself trying to figure out how I’m going to attack the day. No matter what I plan it never works, there are always emergencies that have to be attended to and one project gets pushed back and then when I finally start working on the original project that one is late and all my work backlogs. The real punch in he nuts is there is never a sense of accomplishment in what I do. There is no time when a project is complete. I’m like Sisyphus pushing the dang rock up the hill. Granted the job is not as tough on the back but as soon as I get near the top of my work it rolls back on me and it’s back to the bottom to start all over again. No sense of pride in a job well done because well the job is never done.

If I ever have children I’m going to encourage them to get an education. If they have any of my DNA they will want to be an entertainer. I will encourage it of course but I will stress the need to have a skill or education to fall back on. Hopefully they will get the brains of the woman I married. Most likely they will get the insanity of both of us. That will be truly scary.

So yeah work sucks balls. I know I shouldn’t complain doing this job affords me the joys of all the kick ass fun stuff I do. I also know I would freak out if I didn’t have this job. Too much relies on my small paycheck that I get every two weeks. At least the people I work with make this job worthwhile. I guess the real complaint is I need to make more money. I know everyone does but I really need it. I mean I’m at the doorway of my new grown up life and I’m still making the same amount of money I was 4 years ago. Shady. Well I’m outta here.

Tonight I may start watching Twin Peaks. I just got the first two discs in the mail. People say it was awesome. We’ll see. I’m skeptical.

Did you know that the woman I’m married to has never seen ANY of the Godfather movies? I know I know I just found out the other night. I’m beginning to think I don’t know this lady at all.

and I'm afraid that I won't get out alive

I can have a short fuse. It can come from people giving me attitude or acting like idiots. Idiots for this purpose are posing as intellectually superior to me. Don’t get me wrong I do not claim to be the world’s smartest man. In fact my biggest regret is that I only finished high school, barely tried the junior college and decided somewhere in there “hey I don’t need this I’m going to be an actor” Yes an actor. I believed that it was going to happen. With a few leads in high school plays and then background roles in other productions I got it in my head that I was born to perform. Sadly I didn’t put my passion into attending schools that specialize in this. But in my defense the bill was on me and people were not exactly just giving money out to middle-middle class white guys in those days (do they now?). Also I was lazy and wanted something to just come to me. So I dropped out of Junior College and started working entry-level positions in different companies. Somewhere in there I was part of a film company. This came exactly two days after I swore off acting. It was a pipe dream and there was no way in hell I would ever make it.

The film company years were kind of like my college years, I learned some things but it also gave me reasons to be out boozing on random weekday nights. So much fun back then. During this time is when I started to really run into the where did you go to school crowd. Each time this question gets asked to this day I still get a knot in my stomach and try to find a way to get out of the room. This question and the do you do for a living question.

 I hate the fact that I’m not even sure how many hours I have in as far as my stint in JC went. I’m sure the answer is very few. But then there are these people that have their diplomas. Some have multiple diplomas. Some are smart I’m sure. But when they flip over to their snotty ass talk down to me voice the monster starts stirring. In my head it plays out like that scene in good will hunting with the Harvard guy and the janitor going head to head over the girl. Except most of the time I just stew I never get to go back to the window and ask him how he likes these apples. Mostly because my anger is unfounded, I mean yeah some people are arrogant pricks but what the hell there are people that never finished high school that are dirt bags too.

This mostly comes from the fact that I recently applied for a job. I had to do a history of my education and every job I have had since high school. It was weird. I had pages of pages of Jobs but my education stopped two lines in. I’m not too old to go back and try to get the education it is just that now I’m 35. 35 and I have no clue what job would rock my world. Well of course something in film. But when will there be time for that. The house needs to be bought and then maybe a child if that is in the cards for me. Ugh I was in a good mood when I started this.

I’m going to see that new movie with he janitor from GWH tonight. Maybe that will cheer me up. I’m a sucker for those kinds of pictures. Bottom line is Life IS GOOD

now I'm plain boring. you should Know that I'm not gonna change

I’m not sure if I had bad dreams last night or what but I woke up ready to fight. My mind has been ready all day for someone to say something stupid and set me off on an unwarranted aggressive rant. I’m not sure if it’s because I ate poorly on Saturday and Sunday but I have been just totally pissed off. It has gotten better as the day has gone by but soon I will be released back into the general public. If I can make it home I can fake my way through pleasantries until I wind up in bed or my pre-sleep on the couch then things will be OK. Well first I want to do some laundry and maybe run on the treadmill while my clothes get clean. I’m guessing I have to sweat out the Confused Chicken with Cheese Fries in the edible bowl from Suzy’s on Saturday night OR the better part of my half of the pizza from the pizza place we tried last night. We were told it had pizza similar to this place I love over on the Southside V and N’s. It was not. I mean it was good but not even on the same playing field as far as pizza goes. I love pizza. I will eat any kind, even bad pizza. Granted I’ll complain about it later but I can’t resist. To cap off my weekend madness I ate some donuts from the local big grocery store. Which was great but I am doing a 100-day challenge to get to the weight that is on my drivers’ license. The weight that I said I was back in ’06. So there is quite a bit of work to do in order to reach this goal. I need to control my sloth habits. I just want to know that I can do it.

I have cut pop out of my daily intake but that is the most I have cut. I’m at day 86 and I know what I need to do in order to reach the goal. Hopefully the running and other workouts will help with my shit ass mood along the way.

There are some other challenges coming up this month. St. Patrick celebrations, family parties, and a few other things will test my ability to not trip up, but whatever.

This entry blows but what the hell. I’m not a writer, I’m not in a band, and I’m pretty average over all. I’m really just using this as a place to come and yell once in a while, compose myself and then walk back out of the sound proof booth.

Cohabitation is a huge balancing act. I just happen to have no balance. And I’m selfish. It’s true. I know hard to believe right.

Take it slow on the green beer. Tis the season

where i come from isn't all that great

Tonight we are going to check out houses in and around the neighborhood that I grew up in. I’m crossing my fingers that there are some good ones, if not then next weekend we check the burbs, which will really only be our third time out. Wow. I feel like I’ll know by then what neighborhood I will live in.

 Sadly I feel like hell today. My sinuses are killing me. It feels like I have razor blades tearing up through my nostrils and over the top of my skull, also it feels like someone is pushing their thumbs on my eyeballs. . I’m not sure if it’s allergies or what but I am miserable and crabby hostile. Work is kicking me in the balls as usual; due to poor planning everyone has to drop what they are doing to handle the newest EMERGENCY. My sickness combined with my general assholery has me shaking my fist at this place and counting the minutes till I can get the hell out of here and not think of this place again until I stroll through those doors again in the morning

So yeah. I know work sucks, but I should be happy I have a job right. Well go F yourself. I can’t wait till I start riding my bike to work again this train business is making me soft and even whiner than I normally am. Time to dance with the cold medicine. Take your vitamins kids and Remember to drink your Ovaltine.

I LOVE LIVING IN THE CITY !!!

I am scared shitless of the suburbs. I feel uncomfortable in the far West corners of Chicago. This fear is getting magnified. Last night we went on our first outings to look at houses. We saw two totally amazing houses. The first one was so clean and already had tons of storage; full basement the works, three bedrooms, a decent back yard, and a totally amazing bathroom and a two-car garage a nice kitchen wood floors throughout. The second house was even better; there was 3 bedrooms an awesome kitchen with the cut out that creates a window to the kitchen, a sun porch with fans, a bigger yard and a two-car garage with enough room for extra toys. There was a sweet bar set up in the basement, like unbelievably cool. There was even room for potential workout equipment that could be put there and eventually become a monument to how much I used to love to work out

The thing is it is so far west. In an area that I have no clue about. Which lead to the conversation of if we are going this far out west why not look at the burbs. Insert screeching tires and automatic panic.

The whole ride back I could only think how awesome those two places are. We did a drive by on a place in one of the neighborhoods I want to live in and it looked like a dump. So fear is setting in now. We are going out Wednesday to look at places in my ideal living neighborhoods but I have a sinking feeling that they will not be as move in ready as I need them to be. I need these places to wow us and I have to say I’m not betting on it. Which will lead to a trip out to Le Grange (park), Oak Park, and wherever else in two Saturdays to look at properties, which will most likely knock my socks off, I’m sure.

So why am I scared. Why am I whining? I have never lived more than 10 miles from the house I grew up in. I have always had my neighborhoods to rely on. The furthest I ever lived from my parents was back at my Rogers park apartment. I have contently spent the last 10-12 years living near public transport. I have not owned my own car in over 11 years. Everything I have wanted has been right here or within a bike ride away. Plus the people from the suburbs scare the shits out of me. They are weird, and refer to everything east of Kimball DOWN TOWN!! They take he metra, they Golf, they (ugh)

But as I grow (shudder) I yearn for nicer things. There was a time when a one room studio with a mattress on the floor and a view of my bathroom and Kitchen was all I needed. Now I want more, I want nice stuff; I want to do great things. This is not my own doing either. It’s chicks’ man. My chick. My chick and me potential suburbanites, what the hell. I’m scared kids. The times they are a changing. I may soon not be able to say I’m from Chicago, Chicago proper not some suburb, Heart of Chicago. Well I had a good run. The upside is I will own land. Something I never imagined as a reality. There will be more rambling about this as the hunt goes on. Lets see how it plays out.