there's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

Over the weekend I had a very bizarre dream. In the dream I was extremely intoxicated. It was like I was dropped down in the middle of my dream self in the midst of tying one on. But the weird thing was I was also some kind of delivery person. I think wedding cakes. But for whatever reason I was at a gas station. I guess I was trying to ask directions but I was muttering and slurring and the family, which owned the establishment couldn’t understand a thing, I was saying but kept trying to get me to come hang out with then and drink what I can only guess was whiskey. Most likely with the thoughts is the only thing you can do with totally hammered person that is highly motivated to get back in their truck is to offer them booze to get them to stay. I’m not really sure what happened then (a black out within a dream) but when I came out of it in my dream I was HUNG OVER. My phone was totally screwed up, my delivery van was gone, and no one was able to tell me how I ended up in the small town in the trailer that I woke up in. The rest of the dream was I running around trying to call someone who could save me from the situation that I had gotten myself into. The really weird thing was it all seemed so real. It was like some crazy adventure that didn’t seem too far off from something that could happen, besides the delivery job but I think that part had something to do with me recently talking about that was one of my first unofficial jobs. Delivering wedding cakes with my dad. This is true. He would let me keep all the tips we got. So that usually meant a lot of money for thirteen or fourteen year old me on any given Saturday. Those were some good times. Looking back at it I think I just talked non-stop from the time I got into the van until we got home where there was a house full of brothers and sisters. That was MY time with my dad. It was awesome.

But getting back to the dream, I woke up and I felt like I had been drinking all night. I felt hung over. It was bad. All I wanted yesterday was to sleep. I had the weird guilt of a hangover. But the punch in the nuts is I haven’t drank to intoxication for quite a while, which is great. But man I felt spent. It didn’t help that it was overcast out and I was driving the little lady and me on our Sunday chores. I am attempting to get used to driving and help my wife get used to me driving. I am a horrible driver and always have been. But I need to get to a point where she can just relax while I drive around. This may take a while.

So yeah I wasn’t sure what to write about here today. But that drinking dream really had me wound up. Tonight I go on my first rounds of house hunting. I am fighting to buy a house in the city. Tonight we are going far west, Harlem for Christ sake. I think I need to pull my search in tighter. I want to live in Old Irving, Mayfair, and Jefferson Park or somewhere near where I live now. But in all reality I don’t think I’ll ever be able to afford to live east of Western.

Almost done for the day. Be good out there. Don’t drink too much and quit with the smoking already, it really just makes your clothes smell weird and your breath stink

if your wondering if I want you to I want you too

I do not like going out anymore. When I do go out I want to go to old man dirty dive bars, the kind that still reek of Cigarettes and stale booze.  I want to go to dive bars where the old guys look at me as the poser. At least until they get to know me. But at this point I do not have the drive to go to any bar to establish it as mine. There is a bar that I used to go to with all my friends that will always be our bar in my head, there’s a bar by the first place I lived with my wife (two bars actually) that I will always consider our bar but I do not have a bar that I consider my own. There was one bar that I loved. It is now closed and the old man bartender has passed away and his two trailers in the back yard of the place are now gone. I LOVED this bar. I never went enough for it to be MY bar but it’s about the closet thing I have to a place that is just mine. There’s a bar down the street from my parents house that I like but that is a bar that I will always share with my family and will always go by the name it was when I was a kid, even though the name has changed a million times it will always be Jake’s.

I know friends that have their hangs where if I really wanted to I could stop by and there’s a good chance they will be there, hell they even have a whole group of friends that probably know more about them in their life now than I do. But I need to find my bar. Someday. Like I said I don’t even want to go out anymore. I’d rather sit at my place have a few beers and watch TV, most likely fall asleep. In all reality I’d rather go for a run. In fact I’d rather go on a LONG bicycle ride. Like taking a train somewhere far and riding back home. I once rode my bike from the Kankakee Metra stops to almost all the way back home in Lincoln Square. The only reason I didn’t make it all the way was my bike got a flat at Western and North Avenue. This of course was with my wife back when she was just my girlfriend. That was a fun day even though she hated my guts for most of the ride, but it was fun and I want to do a ride like that again. Maybe from Rockford back to Chicago. That would be my idea of a fun day or day and a half (my concept of time sucks) plus none of my friends would ever want to do something like that.

So yeah one day I want to find a dirty old man local bar for myself. Where it’s not faking it if I want to drink PBR, Old Style or whatever cheap beer they have and maybe some whiskey, because as much as I am a poser I am not drinking it because it’s hip, I’m drinking it because I truly enjoy it and it reminds me of my old man. The coolest guy I have ever known in my life followed in second by my goofy little brother.

Come on summer time I want to drink in the backyard with those two knuckleheads.

Don’t forget to brush and floss heading to the dentist soon. The start of another crazy weekend for this party animal.

You gotta sus.sus.sus,sus sus SUSPECT DEVICE

So recently I have been trying to figure out what exactly it is that keeps me watching the stupid TV show Chuck. I have been drawn in since the very beginning. Now as I am losing interest I still watch it but with one eye getting lazy and the pre-sleep snores starting to sneak out. The other day I realized something. Casey is the dude from one of my early favorite movies My Bodyguard. I’m not sure when I fist saw this movie but I know it was on VHS on one of the weird weekends that I would spend by my ma’s house in the suburbs. Part of my parents divorce was a really inconsistent shared custody that included random weekend to my biological mothers house. We never really knew when we were going but she would eventually swoop in pick my brother and I up and we would go to her place where she was living and get to watch as much TV as we wanted. I’m pretty sure we would be up from Friday night till sometime early Sunday morning watching movies. There are like three or four that stand out. My Bodyguard, Warriors, A Halloween, movie that did not have Jason but some weird mask that killed people as it counted down to Halloween and the movie The Hand. Sometimes taking a break to watch a weird TV show with these guys from Canada “ the kids in the hall” But the movie my bodyguard stands out because my little brother and I would often recite the mot famous line from that movie “you broke my nose” and cheer and be so happy that the nerd ended up defeating the bully on his own blah blah blah. As I mention earlier I JUST realized that the guy that plays Casey is in fact the tough guy that the nerd hired to protect him. In an odd turn he is still playing the tough guy protecting the nerd in this TV show. Granted this nerd is a little cooler and has the hot chick that’s all about him but I can still see him as the bodyguard from my bodyguard. Oh and that hot chock from that show has that crazy laugh that sounds like seals banging or some other weird animal. I saw her and the chick guy doing an interview and she started Har har harring it up and I was like “really”. Ever since she just doesn’t seem that appealing anymore. What is it with the hot girl and the horrible laugh it makes me crazy? Don’t even get me started on all those hoes on E with their fake bad laughs that I’m positive is manufactured in the “yes I’m super hot now but when I was a kid no one liked me and I was a nerd but know that I’m all tarted up I still have my nerd laugh” ugg. Yes this waste a waste of your time. There will be a good one in here soon.

none of my friends sell records, none of my friends sell drugs

So it’s been a while since I opened the ole window document and attempted to take a stab at this whole whining about my perfectly average life on line for a few minutes. I’m not sure how people do this on a regular basis. I have had ideas of what to talk about on here but I usually have them while on the train home. I also tend to over think every single thing. I guess I will start approaching this a little different. Maybe my post doesn’t have to be long drawn out rants. So here it goes.

The retail experiment is over. I have given up my retail job in exchange to get back to working out and maybe getting a little sleep. The cart pushing was fun for a while but after the blizzard of 2011 and the following deep freeze that followed I lost any motivation to even be there. Plus all of my coworkers were lazy and it drove me nuts. But if I remember correctly when I was in my early twenties jobs were something to do when I wasn’t getting hammer headed with my friends on a Tuesday night just because. Somewhere along the line I picked up work ethic and a sense of pride in a job well done. Both of which I am ignoring from Cube Ville as I type this out. I’m on day two of my 100 days challenge to get into better shape. I’m looking to set some personal records this year as I run some of my races that I do each year. I would also like to get down to the weight that’s on my license. I’m sure I’ll talk to myself about it here. This week I also start the hunt for my new bicycle to ride all around town. Exciting for me, most likely the most horrifying experience for my wife, as she is stuck listening to captain indecisive go from store to store looking for the bike that I will eventually destroy over the course of he year.  I’ll end here. Hopefully I’ll start writing something a little more interesting as I try to stop by here more frequently. Get out there and Vote today kids. We get our new mayor by midnight? You know whom I’m voting for already