Your hair it smells like cottage cheese it makes me wobbly at the knees

You know when you are watching those cooking shows and the chick that is cooking the food tastes her own cooking and goes absolutely bonkers saying it is the best thing she has ever tasted. When that happens it makes me so mad. Is there ever a cook that is going to say, “Holy shit this is terrible” But to go on and on about how awesome their cooking is that really grinds my gears. It’s not like I finish a report and then go holy shit that is just about the prettiest most special report that has ever been completed. I mean I understand taking pride in your work but fake orgasming over your frittatas pull it in freak show.

I also never trust a skinny person if they are telling me something tastes awesome. I will definitely listen to a mid sized person that you can tell likes food. I will automatically go and buy the food if gigantic lards tell me this is the best thing they ever ate.

I’m in a saucy kind of mean mood right now. Monday I am attending orientation to find out what my next step is in my long process. This means there is still a chance that I can get turned away at the doors and all of my forward momentum will have been for naught. I am excited and scared about the new potential job. There is a whole hell of a lot that I don’t know about what I am getting myself involved in and I hope that I don’t regret switching jobs if I do get it. As much as this job drives me crazy and I always complain about it I am surrounded by a lot of people who are actually pretty all right.

But the potential of a new job and a total different career trajectory outweighs staying here with the potential of the company folding if the economy tanks again.

The weekend isn’t completely booked which is cool. Flaca and I are running a 5K in Bucktown on Sunday. I have not run a race since shamrock shuffle. In fact I have not just gone out on a run in quite a while. Maybe now that fall is here I will get out there and jog a little bit around the new neighborhood. Abuelita’s cooking and the deserts are starting to take the toll on my gut. Some of my comfy pants are a little snug and my chin is starting to hang a little lower than I like it to. Plus for me running in the fall is about as good as it gets.

Well I got to go I’m going to hit the flower shop and surprise flaca. Let her know that I still have some kind of clue what romance is and that I can be surprisingly romantic.

Ladies be good to your men. Men be great to your lady. You’re both crazy. She just shows it more.

Singletons go out there and talk to strangers or not what the hell do I know

you got the horse race;you got the dog race; you got the human-race BUT this is a rat race, Rat Race!

That feeling when you can feel the blood boiling in your ears, your face is so red you find it hard to believe that the person in front of you spouting off words about customer courtesy, using better judgment, taking the lead and being an expert on this particular task. I’m there. Right now. My teeth are grinding out and it is taking all of my energy not to just say, “shut the fuck up you complete fucking Fucktard” How many times have you wanted to just start say “blah blah blah “ while making the hand puppet that goes with it as someone tries to push work off on to you. I literally just had this co-worker break down to the very beginning of time what we do. He explained every single thing in the talk slow so I don’t stutter talk. Being that I have absolutely no poker face, I’m sure that he could tell that I was saying go fuck yourself. It took a lot to not just go off on him. He may feel that he was victorious in this battle, and now that I think about it he was but I will be successful in the war. His parting statement to me was “use your better judgment” to which I replied “my better judgment” through clenched teeth. Do you have any idea where my fucking judgment has gotten me? You want me to use my judgment for something that care absolutely nothing about.

So much for just trying to coast through to what hopefully is my last days at this wonderful place that has employed me for all these years. I can’t even begin to guess what my next job has in store for me.

I can hear this guy at his desk yelling on the phone in his whiney almost Kermit voice. He is one of those people that just farms the work out all day long and then uses all those corporate catch phrases “point person, expert, FUCK”

Pay attention in school kids. Get a skill. Yes you can be an actor, singer, prostitute, artist, poet, pot dealer, sports analyst, newspaper columnist, comedian, and celebrity chef but get a skill. Something anything that will save you from a long list of entry-level office worker jobs. It is not entry level if you are still in the same position eight years later.

Ugh! Still pissed gotta go.

So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

I have spent a large part of my life putting my past in my rearview window. I realized this even more last night as I was having a conversation about where I went to high school compared to where I lived. I was able to choose my high school and I chose one that was just about as far away from my grade school as I could think of. Of course there was still a few of my grade school peeps there but for the most part I was going to be able to be given a chance to reinvent myself as I had been lead to believe you were able to do in high school. By the time high school was over I created a pretty crappy personality that was fitting of a teen stumbling into adulthood. I went to a junior college down the street from my high school, which was a pretty bad choice. All the assholes that I had thought were going away to their colleges were right there with me. Y’all know how that played out and I started working jobs.

I made some tweaks to my persona but one of the annoying worst habits I picked up was drinking. I was never good at it, in fact I was/am terrible at it. As years have gone by I have spaced out the amount of times that I slip into my old drunken fool persona which is  really freaking annoying, but I carry the guilt, disgust and low feelings around for a long time afterwards.

Well I’m going to work on changing my persona one more time. Things are changing over in Punkersonville and I am going to prepare myself to meet the challenges head on. I want to be able to hold my head up high and know that people have not had to deal with drunken slurred out shouts from a wasted Wick at weird times of the night.  I want to live up to the high standard that I hold everybody else up to. I think my old drunk routine can be retired for a while.

I may have some good news next week. Well I know I have some good news but I’ll have definite answers. My Shawshank Redemption Plan is coming together and on Monday morning I will get full details. I won’t go on much more but I think I can say that I will be leaving this part of my life in my rearview very soon. I am insanely optimistic that this will be an excellent change in my life.

Hopefully yesterday will contain the last whiney annoying pity party that is thrown after I have over indulged. Hopefully.

As for now it’s back to TPS reports. I haven’t told anyone I work with yet. Mostly because I’m not sure what to tell them .

Here’s to getting what you want. Go get it kids

he's just a stereotype

Yep. Asshole. I ruined our anniversary Sunday. It had all the makings of a glorious day. Flaca bought me tickets for the bike tour that ended at a brewery out in Lake Bluff. It was great but I drank too much too fast. Things spun out of control. I wandered the streets trying to figure out what my problem is. I’m trying to be the best but I fall. I didn’t go out with people from work on Friday because I wanted Sunday to be perfect. This will definitely go in the files as the worst anniversary ever. Another event forever tainted by my inability to handle my booze.

Luckily we had yesterday off and I was able to sort through the mess a little. But the story plays out the same way it has for years. I am going to rehab myself AGAIN. I’m going to refocus my attentions get my shit together and try to be the husband flaca deserves not this real life after school special that I become once a month. It’s an old and tired existence.

No good kids I need to take my own advice and be good. I need to do the romantic gestures not just think about them. As many steps as I take forward I have to work on not taking steps back.

I’ll be working towards complete forgiveness. Flaca will be up for sainthood by the time she’s done with me.

cause if i take that drink i might as well just die

the beast within is beating at the cages. It is stalking back and forth frothing just under the surface. Frothing at the mouth. Anxious. Nervous THIRSTY!! 

come on come out one drink will not kill you. How much trouble can you get in.

the monster stretches. Throwing itself against the bars.

stop being a pussy. Just come on.

The cons of testing self induced boundaries. WAY too many

you never go out.

And when I do all hell breaks loose. and y'all are no where to help pick up the pieces

last week you were looking to go out for a drink.

Not tonight. The risk is not worth it.

You are lame.

I’d rather be lame and happily married then in the ER again. You don’t know what the disgusting beast does.

You suck.

Yes I do. I will not regret going home. I will not regret walking around target by myself looking for a gift to surprise her.

People just don’t understand

Shit gotta catch the train

She’ll be home tomorrow and things will be good again

Celebrate our disarray on co dependence day

I am a mess. My whole operating systems are off. Flaca is out of town until tomorrow morning and life is just about as miserable as it gets. You’re probably wondering when did she leave. The answer is yesterday morning before I woke up. I woke up and things were off. All of my conversations have been off for the passed thirty hours. Luckily I was able to commute in with my kind and caring M.I.L. so the ride in wasn’t bad and at work I’m able to keep myself just busy enough but I feel lost. See Flaca and I talk many times via e-mail throughout the day. After a rough day at work she is usually at the train station greeting me with that big gorgeous smile, which is a great sign that the day is over, and the fun can begin. Well yesterday I got to the train station and then had to sit on the train by myself. I had finished the paper during the day so I had no one to talk to. I went and did a workout so that killed some time. The night was terrible.

I ate too late at night and washed it down with a coke. See I can’t drink coke after nine because then I am up all night. So last night I couldn’t sleep couldn’t get comfortable because Flaca was not there to kick my leg over, habit she hates but dang it’s comfortable) When I did sleep I had the most bizarre dreams. But I felt like I was waking up every fifteen minutes. So now I’m tired, crabby and missing my wife.

(Flaca just called to check in. Have I mentioned that I love this chick)?

I’m not a hundred percent sure when I became so dependent on flaca being around non-stop. I just know I’m way happier when she’s around. Luckily she comes back tomorrow early in the morning.

We are celebrating our first anniversary this weekend. The gift I got her so far is weak so I’ll be making a trip to Orland Mall tonight to see if I can get her a little something nicer. We are going to eat dinner at the South Shore Cultural Center tomorrow night so that should be pretty freaking awesome. 

I took Monday off try not and miss me too much. To all you single people I don’t expect you to understand my whining about missing my wife when she’s gone just over twenty-four hours. I will tell you that she is the kind of girl that love songs are written about.

Be good out there. Find someone to adore this weekend. Ladies turn the crazy down for the weekend

Tootles

I strum my guitar and I sing an outlaw love song

Wick saw Flaca across the barroom. She was way overdressed for an event that was taking place at the bar that he and his friend had grown up in. He was dressed in a jumpsuit and drinking recklessly. The next day he was going to be screening the most recent movie he and his crew had filmed over the course of the last few months. PBR and shots of Power’s Whiskey had Wick feeling extra confident. Wick’s roommate had told him that the girl he was dating at the time had invited a few friends to the event. Wick brushed it off, if that troll was bringing friends they were more likely than not going to be equally appalling and most likely even more annoying especially if they were hanging out in a group in his favorite little dingy bar. But when Flaca walked in Wick could not believe it, this girl was really hot. Trying to play it cool he said hello and disappeared into the crowd. All of the other jerk ass guys at the bar flocked around Flaca. Wick stood in the corner eyeing her trying to figure out a way to make it known that he wanted to talk to her. Each time he saw a guy making progress Wick would find a reason to be near pulling out not so discreet cock block moves. If one person was going to get this girls number it was going to be Wick. As time clicked off the clock the only thing the PBR and whiskey had accomplished was getting Wick liquored up his confidence had not risen above white boy dancing around the room. Wick notice Flaca was getting ready to go. He raced across the room and somehow managed to get her phone number. Flaca promised Wick she would meet him at the five o’clock bar that he was heading to; she just wanted to stop home real quick.

Within minutes of watch Flaca leave in the cab Wick started calling the number to see if she was already at the next bar. Throughout the night and into early morning Wick called Flaca checking to see if she was still coming to the bar. Wick drifted to sleep in the early morning light, he had a big day ahead of him and would need to be able to talk to strangers for hours at a time. Some time around noon Wick woke up in a panic in his little room, he picked up his phone to see who he may have called the night before. Flashing in his face was Flaca’s phone number; he looked at the history one call at four forty am .ten seconds. Wick let out a sigh of relief and started his day.

Later in the day as he sat eating a meal between the screening of his film a call came from Flaca she informed home that he had called twenty five times and she eventually just turned off the phone. She was not going to be able to make the screening since she was hung over and tired due to listening to the phone ringing for most of the night and enjoying the drink package at the bar. Wick apologized for his rudeness and asked her if he would be able to call her another time maybe like the next day at around six, Flaca said yes Wick promised to only call once with a forced weak laugh. Flaca laughed easily.

Wick hung up the phone.

Maybe he did have a chance with this chick after all.

There are a few lessons here.

1. Persistence pays off. If you are quirky and kind of cute like Wick
2. Don’t always go with the obvious choice when selecting your spring fling ladies
3. Sometimes a spring fling can lead to awesomeness
4. League Smeage it’s a level playing field out there
5. Persistence pays off. If you are quirky and kind of cute like Wick